Burnout.

Abandoned has been my blog, funny how it is so difficult to write when you do not feel you "need" to.

Ive been feeling up and down, even just in the space of 24 hours. This is my rollercoaster year, this will pass. I feel low, energetically, I convince myself that summer will bring energy. No such luck, I feel drained. My eyes are heavy and so is my body.

There have been too many full days, days without gaps, no time to eat or sleep. I have drained myself physically and forgotten to connect emotionally. I am so stupid, I didn't slow down, I stayed in the fast lane and can feel the burnout now.

It is so important to have a break, take this slowly and to take time to do nothing, do what makes the soul happy and be at peace with the present moment.

I am writing, I am not going to do anything this evening apart from relax, connect, bring myself back to a better state of wellbeing.

Do the same if you need to.

Rachel Rose.x

A reminder.

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I loaded up my laptop...out of habit to write my 500 words. Does that mean this is now a habit?

I did not even doubt it or hesitate or think "Oh I cant be bothered"...I just did it without thinking.

Maybe I could do another 30 days....who knows.

I volunteer at the moment on a fortnightly basis with a charity called visibility, who work with people who have visual and hearing problems and need some support and assistance. I was partnered up with a lovely lady who is having trouble with her vision, she has macular degeneration, which means as time goes on her vision becomes worse. My volunteer coordinator paired us up because she has a sister who lives in South Africa.

She could not have made a more perfect match. I visit for a couple of hours on a Friday morning and we get a taxi to various places, it is exciting for her to get out and about, to be given some freedom again. She has a very similar, sarcastic sense of humour and this is what reminds me that as we get older it is important to laugh, to have fun and always find the bright side of things....yeah I know... It does not seem like I do but I try and this women is my reminder of that.

She has difficulty with walking and needs to use a walker, something she now requires due to both her vision and physical challenges but what always surprises me is how she adapts, how she overcomes her hurdles and barriers. It is quite amazing to watch someone who is going blind, its like all their other senses take over, no questions asked, they just show up and do what needs to be done. An example today was in a homeware shop we were looking at pictures for her bedroom, at first she was slightly frustrated that she could not see but then as she stopped, got her balance and focused on the task at hand she began to move her finger over the pictures, using touch to feel the size and texture of the picture. She could describe what the picture was by her limited sight but mostly from how it felt. 

Adaptability and sense of humour seem to be the two things that can get us through almost anything. We probably use these traits more than we think on a daily basis as life changes and evolves, taking us from one situation to the next as smoothly as transitions can be. This is intrinsic human nature, to make things easier for ourselves.

I enjoy this role as a volunteer, I find it comes naturally to me. I like to help others, even if it is in such a small way. I find that when you are volunteering people appreciate you more, they know that what you are doing for them is from your heart and not from a monetary payment at the end of the month. It is from my heart and I really look forward to the Friday's when I know I will get to spend time with this lovely woman who is growing old gracefully and peacefully with knowledge and wisdom; and most of all, a good sense of humour.

I hope one day, when I am growing older, that someone will be kind enough to give me the pleasure of their company when I need it.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 30 - Contradiction

I have been writing for 30 days......wait.....I....me.......yes me.....the non writer....has been writing for 30 days. 

I did not fail at the last hurdle, I kept going and really feel this is a small accomplishment for me. I am still not a writer, I know that. I write simply, and for all that I have a great sense of humour it seems to have been drifting out at sea for the last 30 days as I have been dealing with the more serious side of me. I'm getting ready to be more free in my self expression. I do want to write more, maybe even develop a style of writing that suits me. I know now that I should not force it, I should let myself let it flow out of me and not ponder too much about it, not force it.

I know that I do not often have a clever way of wording things, I find this in real life too. I have all my intelligence and knowledge stored up in my head and then have such a difficulty in expressing it verbally, I stumble over my speech, become anxious, lose all train of thought half way through a sentence. I want to be able to self express more "expressively"...does that even make sense? See what I mean? I know in my head what I want to say but I find it so hard to get it out in a cohesive manner. I truly believe that people must think I am stupid, or ditsy. I wish I could express what is going on in my head, with both my knowledge, ideas and also my feelings and emotions.

I read this in Elaine Aron's book recently about Highly Sensitive People (I am one of those....this book proves it). She states that those who are highly sensitive cannot perform under pressure, can often stutter and have problems with expression and expressive language...that's me. I often found in my previous job role (social work) that I could, with plenty of time and preparation, write a great report but then it came to the meeting which involved that report I would really struggle to express what I wrote. I would resort to simple language, stuttering, even anxiety would cause the words to blur if I looked at my report. It is something I am acutely aware of but have no control over. 

It is crazy that I now work in a speech and language therapy department when I have such issues with my own communication. In my life I have also been a selective mute and can still go in so deep with my emotions that simple verbal communication is impossible for me. I go days without talking, physically unable to.

I want to work on this more, and maybe my blog is a place to start. Going back to my first posts in this challenge I realise that I am letting go of my need to be grammatically correct all the time and to write what I know and what is in my heart at the time, I know this because when I start to type I just keep typing, this must be what is in my heart and it is just pouring out onto the page in front of me releasing what it needs to for that day and letting it go somehow. Sending it out into the universe to float out there instead of clogging up my body with stiffness, aches and pains. As I have said previously, writing is helping me to feel a little lighter. 

I hope to overcome this cycle I am in, not necessarily of depression, of seriousness, but of growing, changing and learning more and more about myself. To bring back my sense of humour, sarcasm and wit. It seems that is a part of me that did not shine over the last 30 days but it is in there, deep down under the dust settled from the mercury retrograde and cycles of the moon. It is time to brush away the dust and let it disperse to find some shine, some sparkle down there and to let it glimmer for others to see, maybe enough to find a partner in my life, something I yearn for.

 That could be what I hope for in 3 years (a prompt I have noticed in posts today)..I hope for a partner, someone to be part of this little family and to be my best friend...for life. I hope to be following my passions, exploring my purpose and be brave, really brave to pursue them regardless of where that is in the world and raising a happy resilient child who will grow into a gentleman, with an essence of old school chivalry the world seems to be missing right now. I want to be more sure of myself, more in touch with what is at the core of me and of what my soul desires. 

So here is a good contradiction for you.....I just wrote a few hundred words, communicated, self expressed about how bad I am at doing all those things!

Piss off self doubt.

Thanks to inspiration from a blog by Kirk Henlser I decided to take the 500 words per day for 30 days challenge.

The rules for the challenge were as follows (as written on the blog) –

“1) Write 500 words per day on any subject for any reason at any time for 30 CONSECUTIVE days.

(Failure to write 500 words per day for 30 straight days won’t cause you any bodily harm in the way of our bodyguards coming to your house and going after you with the belt strap but it will emotionally confirm your own fears of your inability to follow through on the simplest of tasks so my suggestion is to suck it up and even if you have to hit the “f” key 500 times and post that and call it a poem on the foundation for the word fuck then do that before you no-show).

2) Post your 500 words on Facebook and tag @kaleandcigarettes and #500wordsaday.

(This is the scary part, sharing your writing, because a lot of us, if not all, think that we actually quite suck at writing and that people will hate our guts for our thoughts but the reality here, and the whole value of this experiment, is working through that fear and realizing the only time we’re ever happy with our work is when we write from the heart). ((Pss – this takes practice. No shortcuts. Just the work)). -End scene-

Numero Tres) Maybe we’ll have a “group” on FB. I’m not sure yet the consequences of this action. Standby.

–Long story short – this is really easy. And what will happen is the development of your writing craft and your ability to decipher the difference between bullshit writing and writing from the heart.” Kirk Hensler.

And I did it!

Rachel Rose.x

Day 29 - Fear

The penultimate post, I honestly wish I had something substantial to say. Something that I can look back on and be proud of.

I am unsure if I can do that, I have discovered through writing for the last month that I am very unsure about a lot of things in my life right now. Although, I have discovered I quite like writing, I feel emptier at the end of the day, I sleep a little better having purged what I can for that day.

Or is it just me that is unsure, an incapacity to find a steady foothold. I am still in a questioning stage, why? How? When? Why? Why? Why?

I hope to work through my questions and somehow figure out the answers I seek.

Let’s start...why not? Got to start somewhere...right?

I had read a blog post on elephant journal which was questions to ask yourself, so I wrote them out in my expansive notebooks full of lists, notes, quotes and randomness from my mind.

Why am I doing this?

In terms of my job, which I am at right now, I honestly do not know, the age old answer of paying my bills is such a ridiculous thing to say when in my mind and in my dreams I have so much more. I have what might be called unlocked potential; the real problem is that it seems to be unlocked to me too. I need to learn to unlock my own potential and come to terms with the barriers I need to break down and the hurdles I need to jump over and truly find my purpose, surely I can do that or is fear in my way......leading onto;

Is my fear limiting me?

Yes, a big fat yes. I am fearful of the consequences, I am fearful of being flat out broke and not being able to raise my child with next to no income. I fear the law, the Scottish law prohibits me from leaving the country with my child for more than 4 weeks at a time (I am leaving the country for 5 weeks this summer........sssshhhhh do not tell anyone!). If I did not fear this law my dreams of travel, of living elsewhere, of being given the chance to explore and eventually find where I belong then I would up and leave.(But would fear then stop me?!). I fear what people think of me, that I am a reckless parent for taking my child out of school and “gallivanting” round the world. I fear that I would have no support; actually I fear that lack of support for me will continue. I fear leaving my home, although I like to roam and see new places but I do love to come home again. I am fearful of always being alone.

Not only does fear limit me but so do the barriers I place in front of me, it is so stupid, and why would I want to limit myself.  I fear I have no self belief, and I think that is one of the requirements to achieving your dreams. But, I do also believe that people need people, the support of others is what can give you that boost and right now, I do not have that, right now I am only left with my fears and debilitating lack of self belief. 

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear" Jane Canfield.

Shite! (Kirk.....Scottish Accent!)

This too shall pass......even on Day 29 this is still repeated when necessary.

In the hope of feeling better I came home from work and read my Jyotish horoscope - 

"Gains come from writing, communication and self expression. How are you sharing and showing up in the process? Retreats and away time will help you make new relationships and career connections. Invite in the flow, the abundance and wealth. Heal from the heart and let your heart be healed simultaneously , This is a vital resource in order for you to be more nourished and vital. Be sure to balance you giving and receiving so you don't burn out. Ask for support in new ways and see who shows up to help you grow and expand your career and dharma."
 (Elephant Journal)

I feel better, I may have to keep writing, communicating and self expressing! I am asking for support.....please!!...pretty please with a cherry on the top.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 28 - You and me....Food.

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My mind is wandering today, not the clear cut thoughts that I require to function enough to get through my day. I am hazy, had a headache last night that has continued throughout the night and is still lingering.

I am trying to eat less sugar, chocoaholic is next to my name in the dictionary. Maybe it is a withdrawal headache....after less than 24hours, it could be. Or is it in my mind. This relationship needs to change, you and me......food. We have never been on good terms have we?

But.....

I have been told that my parents were really worried about me when I was about 2 because I would not eat anything except from toast, this is a long standing issue I have had and it has only deteriorated as time has went on. I wish I knew where the issue came from, I wish I could write it down, be clear about it, address it and put something in place to improve it.

To tell the truth, my absolute truth, if I try I become very ill. If I think about what I should do to improve my eating and try it I fail, miserably. I tried to detox with juicing...ending up with a chocolate binge and a whole bucket full of guilt and tears all rolling down the edges until it was full as well as my stomach. I have tried to plan all my meals in advance and write them all out with recipes and did the whole food shopping with a list thing, after two days I could do nothing but think about food, another binge, and another bucket full of guilt.  I have been to psychology and a dietician as a teenager, they just patronised me in a ridiculous manner of weekly diet plans. I did not want to be on a “diet” when all I would hear is how terribly thin I was. They needed to look into my psychosocial needs, not the biomedical side of things. (Learned from my recent psychology course!)

Others do not have tact when talking to someone who has a strained detachment to food, they do not get it. They enjoy their food too much. They see the person struggling needing to be “thin/skinny”.  The more people bring it up the worse it makes me feel, I wish they would not do that, but hey that’s humans. I truly wish I could explain it in better words than I am, some things I cannot describe, some things I just am, I just feel.

It was not about appearance, never, it is still not about that. My dysfunctional relationship with food is something far more than that, runs a lot deeper into my core, through my soul and pours out in bowls of melted chocolate and salted tears.

I read about food all the time, I am trying not to, I am trying to know myself enough to know that the most important thing I can do is just eat, eat when I am hungry and try very hard to make good choices. As the saying goes “everything in moderation”, I still have chocolate but just not every day. I make sure to juice my veg when my stomach can cope with it; I make a smoothie with all the superfoods as a placebo to my mind’s thinking of what a healthy body should be. I eat slowly, mindfully and have come to an understanding that food is to be enjoyed and it is there to nourish my body.  The only knowledge I really need is of what my body is telling me, my body knows what it needs and I am listening carefully, yoga has brought this acute awareness to my body I have never felt before. I want to feel good, I want to feel health and I actually quite like a green juice now, my body is craving health.....but......I need a sugar hit.

Thats all I know for today in my wandering mind.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 27 - Parallel Rivers

Well this morning, on my only day off this week, I thought I would be extremely productive.....em.....I kind of just read everyone's posts on the facebook page. Everyone's posts are so inspiring, honest, raw and truths...we are all expressing our truths. I feel glad I am part of this group...even though I think I am the only an ocean away from everyone else!

I connect to every post in some way, things resonate with me deeply and on different levels. I read Kaitlin's post about the glorification of busy, I agree with this and it can hurt me when I am told that people are too busy to spend time with me, to talk to me or to even take a minute out of their "busy" day to sent a quick message. I never use this statement, I am never too busy for anyone, I would drop anything for those I love.

 This has ended one of my longest friendships recently, a deep close friendship I thought would never end. This person was my friend in high school and this friendship developed more when we worked together in our late teens, we then went through the stage of nights out, drinking, men....then came the hard times, the heartbreaks, the dramas of other friendships coming and going, my mental health issues, domestic violence and my pregnancy. We were, at some point, soul sisters.

We were at a wedding together last year (you know when your are single for so long that they don't even write plus one on the invitation they just know that your female best friend will be with you!!) and we met another two girls who were BFF's, we shared a table, drinks and laughter. The conversation turned to our friendships and we discovered it was 14 years long with barely an argument or harsh word ever muttered.

Things changed quickly after that, she became too "busy", always busy with work, with her new boyfriend...who treats her so badly....always some other drama with another friend or family member. On birthdays and Christmas' she was always the friend who made time to deliver presents, be part of the special day, help bake the cupcakes, no need to knock at the door type of friend.

 I feel sad that this friend is no longer in my life, it has not officially ended but we are drifting down parallel rivers waving to each other on occasion, genuine heartfelt smiles but neither of us changing direction to get closer again. I feel guilt, guilty for not pushing it and confronting the situation and going to speak to her, I feel that she is too "busy" to listen. I can see her 12 hour shifts as a manager at a coffee shop making her ill, mentally...physically then having to go home to a man who does not treat her like the princess she is and I did try...a little. I made sure that I made it very clear that I will always be there if she ever needs me, but I think she no longer needs me. I am a fading memory in her busy life.

I feel anger, a little. That she is missing out on the boy's life, the one she has played a big part in. She is called Auntie because after 14 years of friendship you are family, aren't you? 

I wish nothing but the best for her. I want her happy, healthy, loved and one day have her own children to a prince that is deserving of her love with true and strong friendships surrounding her, maybe even me again.

I seem to have a lot of "little" feelings about this situation, but my mind cannot fathom why these things happen. It is me not wanting to fully feel all the hurt, yet. I need to, and I will at some point, I know that. We grew apart and I need to accept that and move forward. In this small town she was my only true friend, now I am friendless. 

Alone is maybe something I have to be, for now. To grow, to learn and to truly cherish the time when I do have people in my life who care and treasure me as I do them.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 26 - Cheater

What to write what to write what to write!

I have had a really busy day working, I am tired but I worked hard for this fatigue and for the money. I actually made some money today, I face painted for 4.5 hours, no break, and I made more in that time than I do at my "real job" in a whole week. I loved every minute of it. I know I love it. I love it because even though I have a seriously sore back....craving yoga......and feel so very tired I would still get up an do it again tomorrow. When I get the compliments all I can say is "It's because I love it".

It is a part of my creative side and I get to do that nearly every weekend, it is therapeutic for me. I can become quite serious looking when I am concentrating, as you can see, but I just zone out and go into a little world of my own, I am not often aware of the queue getting longer and longer.

It is such a nice little job.....my weekends quench my creative soul!

Thats all I have, yoga and bed for me!!

Maybe my photos can speak another 200 words for me....my mind is screaming "Cheater.....Cheater....Cheater"!!! I am too tired to care mind.

Rachel Rose.x