My mind is wandering today, not the clear cut thoughts that I require to function enough to get through my day. I am hazy, had a headache last night that has continued throughout the night and is still lingering.
I am trying to eat less sugar, chocoaholic is next to my name in the dictionary. Maybe it is a withdrawal headache....after less than 24hours, it could be. Or is it in my mind. This relationship needs to change, you and me......food. We have never been on good terms have we?
But.....
I have been told that my parents were really worried about me when I was about 2 because I would not eat anything except from toast, this is a long standing issue I have had and it has only deteriorated as time has went on. I wish I knew where the issue came from, I wish I could write it down, be clear about it, address it and put something in place to improve it.
To tell the truth, my absolute truth, if I try I become very ill. If I think about what I should do to improve my eating and try it I fail, miserably. I tried to detox with juicing...ending up with a chocolate binge and a whole bucket full of guilt and tears all rolling down the edges until it was full as well as my stomach. I have tried to plan all my meals in advance and write them all out with recipes and did the whole food shopping with a list thing, after two days I could do nothing but think about food, another binge, and another bucket full of guilt. I have been to psychology and a dietician as a teenager, they just patronised me in a ridiculous manner of weekly diet plans. I did not want to be on a “diet” when all I would hear is how terribly thin I was. They needed to look into my psychosocial needs, not the biomedical side of things. (Learned from my recent psychology course!)
Others do not have tact when talking to someone who has a strained detachment to food, they do not get it. They enjoy their food too much. They see the person struggling needing to be “thin/skinny”. The more people bring it up the worse it makes me feel, I wish they would not do that, but hey that’s humans. I truly wish I could explain it in better words than I am, some things I cannot describe, some things I just am, I just feel.
It was not about appearance, never, it is still not about that. My dysfunctional relationship with food is something far more than that, runs a lot deeper into my core, through my soul and pours out in bowls of melted chocolate and salted tears.
I read about food all the time, I am trying not to, I am trying to know myself enough to know that the most important thing I can do is just eat, eat when I am hungry and try very hard to make good choices. As the saying goes “everything in moderation”, I still have chocolate but just not every day. I make sure to juice my veg when my stomach can cope with it; I make a smoothie with all the superfoods as a placebo to my mind’s thinking of what a healthy body should be. I eat slowly, mindfully and have come to an understanding that food is to be enjoyed and it is there to nourish my body. The only knowledge I really need is of what my body is telling me, my body knows what it needs and I am listening carefully, yoga has brought this acute awareness to my body I have never felt before. I want to feel good, I want to feel health and I actually quite like a green juice now, my body is craving health.....but......I need a sugar hit.
Thats all I know for today in my wandering mind.
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