Burnout.

Abandoned has been my blog, funny how it is so difficult to write when you do not feel you "need" to.

Ive been feeling up and down, even just in the space of 24 hours. This is my rollercoaster year, this will pass. I feel low, energetically, I convince myself that summer will bring energy. No such luck, I feel drained. My eyes are heavy and so is my body.

There have been too many full days, days without gaps, no time to eat or sleep. I have drained myself physically and forgotten to connect emotionally. I am so stupid, I didn't slow down, I stayed in the fast lane and can feel the burnout now.

It is so important to have a break, take this slowly and to take time to do nothing, do what makes the soul happy and be at peace with the present moment.

I am writing, I am not going to do anything this evening apart from relax, connect, bring myself back to a better state of wellbeing.

Do the same if you need to.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 29 - Fear

The penultimate post, I honestly wish I had something substantial to say. Something that I can look back on and be proud of.

I am unsure if I can do that, I have discovered through writing for the last month that I am very unsure about a lot of things in my life right now. Although, I have discovered I quite like writing, I feel emptier at the end of the day, I sleep a little better having purged what I can for that day.

Or is it just me that is unsure, an incapacity to find a steady foothold. I am still in a questioning stage, why? How? When? Why? Why? Why?

I hope to work through my questions and somehow figure out the answers I seek.

Let’s start...why not? Got to start somewhere...right?

I had read a blog post on elephant journal which was questions to ask yourself, so I wrote them out in my expansive notebooks full of lists, notes, quotes and randomness from my mind.

Why am I doing this?

In terms of my job, which I am at right now, I honestly do not know, the age old answer of paying my bills is such a ridiculous thing to say when in my mind and in my dreams I have so much more. I have what might be called unlocked potential; the real problem is that it seems to be unlocked to me too. I need to learn to unlock my own potential and come to terms with the barriers I need to break down and the hurdles I need to jump over and truly find my purpose, surely I can do that or is fear in my way......leading onto;

Is my fear limiting me?

Yes, a big fat yes. I am fearful of the consequences, I am fearful of being flat out broke and not being able to raise my child with next to no income. I fear the law, the Scottish law prohibits me from leaving the country with my child for more than 4 weeks at a time (I am leaving the country for 5 weeks this summer........sssshhhhh do not tell anyone!). If I did not fear this law my dreams of travel, of living elsewhere, of being given the chance to explore and eventually find where I belong then I would up and leave.(But would fear then stop me?!). I fear what people think of me, that I am a reckless parent for taking my child out of school and “gallivanting” round the world. I fear that I would have no support; actually I fear that lack of support for me will continue. I fear leaving my home, although I like to roam and see new places but I do love to come home again. I am fearful of always being alone.

Not only does fear limit me but so do the barriers I place in front of me, it is so stupid, and why would I want to limit myself.  I fear I have no self belief, and I think that is one of the requirements to achieving your dreams. But, I do also believe that people need people, the support of others is what can give you that boost and right now, I do not have that, right now I am only left with my fears and debilitating lack of self belief. 

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear" Jane Canfield.

Shite! (Kirk.....Scottish Accent!)

This too shall pass......even on Day 29 this is still repeated when necessary.

In the hope of feeling better I came home from work and read my Jyotish horoscope - 

"Gains come from writing, communication and self expression. How are you sharing and showing up in the process? Retreats and away time will help you make new relationships and career connections. Invite in the flow, the abundance and wealth. Heal from the heart and let your heart be healed simultaneously , This is a vital resource in order for you to be more nourished and vital. Be sure to balance you giving and receiving so you don't burn out. Ask for support in new ways and see who shows up to help you grow and expand your career and dharma."
 (Elephant Journal)

I feel better, I may have to keep writing, communicating and self expressing! I am asking for support.....please!!...pretty please with a cherry on the top.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 23/24 - Searching for connection.

(On our walk last night. Dumfries, Scotland.)

Yesterday I could not write for some reason, I was blocked. A little disheartened maybe from lack of connection to other humans, having written my Day 22 post and put so much thought into it and I got absolutely no feedback, I had a day of "what's the point?" I am no good, I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends anymore...I have to accept that it is just me and the boy on our own up against the world, it's a harsh world.  What a contradiction too...after the statement of letting go of the ego, sometimes us humans have a real struggle with our ego, it is always there niggling away at us, the voice over one shoulder saying no one liked your post today......you are rubbish, not worthy, you will never fit in. The vicious vindictive nasty negative thinking takes over and the doubts settle over you like a dark rain cloud that follows you round all day taunting and teasing. I wanted to write something that would open up discussion and help me to connect, in some cases re connect but maybe that door is well and truly closed for good. It seems that door slams in my face quite often in life, just because I  am a little different, uniquely human but still....different.

 I got the boy from school yesterday afternoon, got him changed and out of the house we had to go. I needed out, to escape for a while into the sunshine, playing blind to the dark cloud following above....It didn't rain though. The sun got brighter as did my thoughts. I made a conscious effort to look around me and be specific about picking out all the positive and try to dissipate the negative thinking, the blackness of it, the toxicness of it. I looked at the boy, who, for some reason, appreciates escaping just as much as me. 

We went to a restaurant for dinner with an outdoor area, we sat at a beautiful spot near the water with the sun shining down upon us and the boy, well he just looked so handsome in his cap and sunglasses. He had been mid tantrum when I said lets get out in the sun and now, at the table outside, he had calmed down and sat happy in nature enjoying the sun and surroundings just as much as me, The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

We both enjoyed eating, I tried something new and loved it. I don't drink alcohol very often but tonight I decided to and I could just feel myself relaxing and slowing down, not being so harsh on myself. Ice cream....of course that made us both smile. After, as I drank slowly, the boy climbed on the climbing frame, ran round the grass and climbed on the walls...who needs toys or technology!?!

Then a walk, a really long slow walk, mind drifting, feeling the heat on my skin and a light breeze floating in and out, enjoying all the colours of the world. I was grounding again, it is just what I needed and it took for me to actually do that to realise it was that I really needed. I had a little human and a little nature to connect with and I am so grateful I have those two things. I live in a beautiful part of the world and when black clouds appear in my life I should step outside and seek connection to nature so that I can become more grounded and remember the beauty of this place.

When I got home and connected....to the interwebs, there was a quote about mercury going direct on this day and I had questioned this on my walk. Having forgot the date in my chaotic frantic mind of mine but as the day went on I felt different, like everything felt just a little lighter, I was carrying less on my shoulders and my thoughts slowed. 

I seem to get stuck in the depths of negative thinking, especially about myself, is this the reason I am so alone in the world? But then how do I get out of it when I have no one in my life to receive the containment and reciprocity that I need? The care that I need? The understanding, and if not understanding just someone to be there for me?

I can see my own growth though, previously, in my 20's I would have continued the negative thinking to the point of punishment, I would have to punish myself for the things going on in my life, thinking back it was all so dramatic too. I took it too far with the punishment of self and would place all blame on me for the way things were or the way I was. I have my scars for that time in my life.

Now, in my 30's, I realise how important self care is and that I need to be gentle on myself. To take care of me when it is needed. I am who I am, and it is really hard work and so draining to try to fit in all the time, to be someone who I am not. I have acceptance. I have patience. I am a fragile human, just like us all, searching for a connection.

I leave in four weeks to spend the summer in another country with a family and as volunteers I hope that we meet other like minded people to spend time with. People who I can connect with and make some good memories with, and find perspective and grounding. It is what I need, for me, right now. I will have to step out of my comfort zone to hopefully find what I am looking for....because it is not knocking on my door, thats for sure.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 21 - Creating a habit.

(Southerness beach, South West Scotland)

The Power in Expectation

How important are beliefs and expectations in determining what happens to us in life? They may be more important than you think.

Have you ever noticed that people who expect the best in life usually seem to get it? And have you noticed that the reverse also seems to be true? Do you think it happens that way due to coincidence or luck? Or is something else going on?

One of The Pacific Institute's core principles, solidly founded on cognitive research, is that we move toward and become like what we think about. We behave not in accordance with the truth, but with the truth as we perceive and believe it to be. So it follows that when you expect the best from yourself and others, you behave in ways that almost guarantee you are going to get it.

The same is true when you expect trouble. You set yourself up for trouble in countless little and not so little ways and sure enough, trouble shows up at your door. What do you expect for yourself? Do you expect to do the things you dream about, or do you expect obstacles, opposition and eventual disappointment?

If you consistently and lovingly give your children a better, much more positive expectation, they are far more likely to go out and make it happen. And the best part? Once it's a habit, it is repeated throughout their lives.

I receive daily emails from the pacific institute, which is a training course I took part in over the last two years. I love getting these emails, and today's.....what an excellent prompt for writing.

Beliefs and expectations are important and maybe this is my downfall, my doubts, probably just plain excuses, stop me from believing I can do something. On the hand, when I set my mind to something I achieve it, eg. I am going travelling this year again, In January I decided this and by the end of January I had organised my summer. In my mind there is no stopping me until I have achieved that goal, and I stick to it, work hard and it pays off. In comparison this is a small follow through, its the bigger things that I struggle with and the doubts kick in and overwhelms me. I trip over the first hurdle, arms flailing, bruised knees (em....ego!) and left red faced walking shamefully away with my tail between my legs...I am not sure why my determination fails me then, when I need to get back up strong, brush off my "knees" and kick over the damn hurdle and head for the finish line.

I had mentioned coincidences yesterday in my post and it has come up again, I do believe in them and know that there is something, maybe magical, in them. Coincidences are little angels just giving you a nudge from one thing to another, they shut a door but open a window of opportunity just when you need it. I questioned yesterday whether I should sit and wait my fate or do something about it, maybe sitting and waiting is not enough but keeping my eyes and ears open for future projects and not miss out on opportunities presented to me is at least doing something. I don't want to push too much, just enough to keep moving and evolving, always learning and gaining experience and knowledge. As for luck, a little of that always helps too! As for something else...I believe more and more everyday that there is the power of the universe guiding and, like the angels, nudging, giving subtle signs but, as I said, I need to be aware and observant to what the signs mean and how they can guide me to my purpose...purposes!

Expecting obstacles...thats me! I need to change my view of how high those obstacles are I guess, look at them from a different angle and maybe with a different goal, cut down the goal into more sizable chunks....baby steps, that's what they say isn't it. That surely makes the obstacles less likely to seem so daunting, less likely to bruise my "knees" on the way down so I can get back up and try again. This may help my perfectionistic, introverted, highly sensitive personality the capacity to undergo the mighty task of truly living the dreams I dream. Will that alleviate the eventual disappointment? I hope so.

"we move toward and become like what we think about.", Think more positive thoughts, I can do this, I can do this...This too shall pass...even 21 days in I am repeating when necessary.

I try very hard to provide positive expectation of the boy because as an adult I know how it feels to be trapped in negative thinking and it is a difficult vicious cycle to get out of. I can get trapped for weeks and months at a time in self doubt, depression and anxiety.

I ask him every night to tell me three good things about his day, and it not only makes it a habit for him, but it probably helps me more, more than he will ever know.

I should write down three good things about my day every night too....it will then become my habit. Positive expectation.

1. The sun was out today.

2. I drank fresh green juice, it tasted so good and it made me feel so good!

3. I have the most handsome intelligent boy.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 17 - Little Miss

Pinterest

This one is cliche but I am going there anyway. Having recently done my mental health and psychology course and worked with vulnerable families for 5 years this has encouraged me to look back to my own childhood/adolescence/adulthood for the reason behind my fluctuating mental health over the years. Bullying is traumatic.......with everlasting effects on ones life, mentally, emotionally.

Dear Bullies,

Yes, I am talking to you. I am the one you only know to bow her head, hide her face, hide her skin. I am not even sure if you had even heard her voice before but it's here now, volume up, an ounce of assertiveness....enough for her to write this letter.

 I was the young confident girl, baton twirler, prancer, dancer and poser. Call me Little Miss Confident. To the young ones, I forgive you. I forgive you for telling me I was too much of a show off and rubbish anyway. You were too young to know any different, wanted to be part of the "cool crew", in with the latest cruel names to call the ones uninitiated into "cruelty crew"..oh sorry "cool". 

 No longer Little Miss Confident, introverting, shying away from all social interaction. Tears before bedtime, dreams of the taunting. Even you, my best friend. You took advantage, I was always the pawn in the game, the one discarded if that assertiveness appeared to suggest another way, to stop the destruction of "my" Barbie...never yours. The leader of the gang..."don't talk to her".... and they listened. Alone, I was that a lot.

 Then high school, to the boy who punched her in the stomach, f*ck you, I could knock you out now. To the girls who laughed at her first hair colour disaster, you have now had a few of your own.  Grabbing her, groping her...you made her retreat into her Cancer shell so much so that she no longer knew how to even feel Little Miss Confident inside her anymore. To the boyfriend who called her stupid at every opportunity, look at her now....far more highly qualified than you, and I have traveled enough to look at the world a little different, more gently, with a compassion you never have or never will possess. You are still the same...Peter Pan.

 The one that sticks in her head at age 15..."You are flat as a skateboard that is hard to ride"...well boy that one stuck didn't it. That one hung over her head for years, another f*ck you required here because don't you remember the night, at age 22, she walked past you low cut top, 3 cup sizes bigger with a gentleman on her arm. Did that hurt your jaw when it hit the floor!

 To the ones who think she is weak, frail, naive.....never make the mistake of thinking she is any of those things. Try going through deep depression, self harming, eating disorder and heartbreak but holding down two jobs while studying full time. Try being a female, creating, carrying and delivering another human being into the world. Try feeding that human from your own body for 18 months while domestic violence looms over you. Try the dropping baby off at supervised contact, having 2 hour panic attacks, numerous court ordeals/orders, legal fees. Still holding down two jobs. Bravely travelling with boy in tow to amazing places. All alone. With all her vulnerable determination.  Is that weakness? A frailty? Naive....don't ever mistake my introverted silence for that. Trust me.

 To the ones older, the ones who project power....preying down on the front liners. I am older than I look, know more than I say and don't ever believe your bullshit. I rebel you. all humans are equal. Bullying adults may actually be the children who did not survive.

 Bullies, I am an introvert. openly, bravely, quietly not because of you but in spite of you. I believed all of you when you hurt her, you were all liars, projections of your own insecurities.....maybe that gives me, as the adult, room for forgiveness. For everyone has a story, even the bully. Your pain may just be as vast, your own traumas reflected in your behaviours, while she retreats you may lash out. I hope you are sorry, for then, you may know that I have forgiven you. 

But I will never forget.

Little Miss Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 10 - Sun

I'm stuck now, why did I agree to this challenge from Kale and Cigarettes. I am not a writer, never have been. I mean I can write a poem or two now and again, but daily writing....what the hell did I sign up to this for. I don't even reach the 500 words everyday...Fuck!

It will just be boring to write about my day, saying that, its been a pretty good day. The sun came out (It's Scotland...need I say more.) and it always seems to make the day a little better, makes it feel less heavy. Rain and black clouds are heavy, really heavy when that is all you have seen for almost 8 months.....why do I live in Scotland again? For the sun of course d'uh! (I often swim in sarcasm just to keep it topped up).

 But the sun, that is a whole other feeling. Light...as in light as a feather, fresh and things look more blue, green, warm, blooming.....even nature is overwhelmed with gratitude when the sun is out. Yellow is the colour of optimism, it can stimulate the mind and spark creative ideas, I often find this. I am more creative and productive when the sun is out. I want to be outside, walking, running or just sitting somewhere with my eyes closed and feeling the heat on my skin....the beach is the best when I am not in this country. 6 weeks and I will be on a plane....to a beach...the countdown is on! Its been on for a while now.

 Back to my day...really....is this all I have to write about, why can't I write something profound, witty and with intention. Maybe I do have a little intention, I mean I sat down and intended to write. I am lacking inspiration today.....the sun is out. I want to go outside and not be writing but I also want to write it right now so I can stop thinking about it, tick it off the to do list for the day. Let the thought of it float away and not come back...until tomorrow and the 19 days after that! Positive thought...once the 19 days are over I get to countdown in days, minutes...seconds (I went too far....right??) how long it will be until I land in sunshine....the real sun, you know the one where no clouds exist round it, or getting in the way of it. Scotland comes with clouds, its a given...its when there is only one cloud in the sky, not even hot sun, just sun, the Scottish feel the need to strip down to short shorts and bikinis to then complain its too hot....well....those are the ones that have not experienced the real sun, the sun close to the equator, the sun that has magic powers that help you drift in and out of thoughts more easily, that allow you to float into daydreaming, especially if you have the sound of the waves tumbling in and out. That's the sound of calm for me, that's what I crave and I crave it often. I get a high from the sun, a happy buzz, I want to do cartwheels and go on adventures, eat ice cream, experiment in my photography and eagerly anticipate how spectacular the sunset will be. 

 After my brief piece yesterday about my depression over the years I truly believe I have seasonal affective disorder. I can actually feel the sadness eroding me in early November of every year, I get really sad at that time of the year, cry a lot...cry even more when I think I am crying for no reason, pull out the warm hoodies and put the heating on for the winter. Waking up in the dark, going to work in the dark, coming home from work in the dark....its darkness...all darkness. The darkness makes me ill, in mind, body and spirit. Maybe its all of this that has attacked my physical health recently, I know they are all connected and being in a state of chaos is not helping....deep breath, keep it slow. Its time to find balance. It's May and we are all still waiting on the sun, its actually the main topic of conversation for people in this part of the world, we all have the same wish...The Sun! Well.....we have it today and I feel grateful for it...on my day off too.

  Lets get out the darkness. The Sun. I love it. I yearn for it and actually need it in my life. I connect with it in some way. It sprinkles magic on the earth for all to prosper....yellow is also the colour of prosperity, because it is the closest primary colour to gold. (Yeah... there is a swimming pool to swim in full of useless knowledge too!)

My day, who cares about that really....no one ever asks me how my day is anyway. The sun is out, its time to take the boy on a long walk in grateful nature and ease my thoughts and wait to be sun stoned.....or just a little from, you know, the Scottish sun. I hold out for the sun of this summer in a beautiful place and hopefully surrounded by beautiful people....the ones who don't need to ask me about my day because they are part of it, walking beside me in the light.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 9 - Broken wings.

Pinterest

I found the above  portrait while trying to feel inspired to write.....Like, actually been sitting here for an hour...what do I write today, what do I write...wait, I better cook dinner.......the boy shouting "Can I play outside"......Maybe I better actually put some washing in....since, you know as a parent you don't get a full two days off, one day ill is long enough (Just like this sentence)...oh look at that on pinterest, ill just scroll a little more....and where will today take me and what thoughts will arise and come out of me. I feel like if you force it, it isn't going to work...is it! And you can breathe now!

Anyway,...derailed there (Just like this life of mine!)...what was I saying?? Yeah the portrait, a young photographer, Christian Hopkins, takes self portraits to cope with depression. I have scrolled through some of these photographs. Some of which are a little disturbing yet entirely intriguing. I think that they not only help him to cope with depression but depict it in a devastatingly beautiful way. The photos display the loneliness of mental health issues, even of being tired in life and unable to comprehend feelings with words. These self-portraits will certainly relate to a lot of people, I can relate to every single one. I do spend a lot of time trying to communicate my feelings with words but just can't do it, he has justified that we don't need to express ourselves with just words, we can use any outlet we need, anything we require at that moment in time.

I personally find myself connecting with the above image deeply, it represents that feeling of broken wings, of feeling trapped and alone. That there is no means of escape, no means of a new journey freely and actively. That our wings don't work anymore. When in times of deep depression it can rob the notion that you can be set free, no notion of moving forward with just positive thoughts...are positive thoughts just overrated anyway? From reading all the other challengees (Not a word!!...but you get it, right??) 500 words a day, we are all suffering in some way, we all want to purge the negative, get it all out. Do we always have to find the bright side? ......Eventually, hopefully, still in blind faith.

Lets just wallow at the dark side for a while, do you want to know why? Because when you step out into the light again, its so much brighter than it was before. You have to have lived in the pitch black of the darkest deepest hole to truly appreciate the light. It might blind you to start with but eventually your eyes adjust and it all becomes a little clearer, makes you know and understand the power of the light. It makes you an empath, one who can walk beside another in the dark and shine a little light on them. I am derailed again......no reason or rhyme in my writing today, just purging.

Annnnywayy.....broken wings, I have had those, I know the feeling well. I currently feel this but not as intensely as a deep depression, which I have experienced on and off for half my life. I feel the trapped feeling, that I need an escapism but currently no way of becoming unstuck....yet. Keep it slow and steady. This too shall pass.....still repeating when necassary. 

I have a thing for angels, my house is full of them and those who know me well enough buy them for me! I do hope there is a guardian angel shining a light on me......for those times I tumble down the deep dark hole of depression, anxiety, panic and whatever feelings cause me to stumble and fall. 

Shine a light and put my wings back together.

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/christian-hopkins-photography

Go check out the photos for yourself.....which one jumps out at you?

Rachel Rose.x

Day 7 - Slow Down

Its time to slow down. Calm the chaos. Reflect. Take the time to recharge. Chill out. Meditate. Breathe. Keep it simple.

I am really struggling with this concept of slowing down, Just a few months ago I could, then January hit and it has been non stop - and that is just my mind. Things have been rushed, I want to rush things, I don't really know why but I want to figure out what I love and to be there now, to find ways to get there quicker. I need to slow down and let things fall as they may. 

It is important to learn to have hope and, maybe, blind faith that things will, eventually, work out and the scattered pieces of the jigsaw will all come together in the right place and fit together to create a harmonious joyous life.  I feel surrounded by people who love what they do yet I am lost in transition, from one vocation to another...I am not living in a career, I am living for my pay check..(I got that pay check today to discover a very serious discrepancy in my pay leaving me short for the whole month....another coincidence to get me out of there!). I have passions and talents but those do not seem to create one, balanced career path. I am a Jane of all trades, so they say! I am also surrounded by people who just settle....that's it....that is the feeling I was looking to describe, unsettled, I am so unsettled. I am unsettled, in everything I do. I am on edge, buzzing somehow, not willing to "just settle" but unable to calm the buzzing long enough to figure it all out. I want to find my passion and grab it with all my might and utter determination and live, truly, deeply and passionately live. Am I the only one? The only one that doesn't have a clue what to do.....This too shall pass, This too shall pass....repeat when necessary. 

Slow Down

Its time my dear, to slow down my dear.

Take it easy and breathe.

Breathe a little deeper today, sigh a little louder.

Pray a little longer and stretch a little more.

Its time my dear, to focus, my dear.

Read a little more and dream a little higher.

Take a leap of faith with a hope in your heart.

Take another breath, my dear,

Its time my dear, to say your truth, my dear.

Eat a little less and move a little more.

Buy a little less, live more simply.

Lie down and take a nap, my dear.

Its time my dear, to change my dear,

Sit down, write it out, feel it out.

Let the emotions come and go.

Let it flow out of you, my dear.

Its time my dear, to say goodbye, my dear.

Reflect on the past, look into the future.

But sit in the present too, meditate.

Breathe even deeper, my dear.

Its time to move forward, my dear.

Seek a new path, cross over an ocean.

Swim in the sea, bask in the sun.

Keep the memories, my dear.

Its time, my dear.

Its time to figure it all out, or not my dear.

But know this for sure, you are here.

You are here right now, my dear.

Take another breathe,  my dear.

And slow down.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 4 - Anger

Anger is a very overwhelming and confusing emotion, especially when you feel anger towards the ones you love and are closest to. You need to release the anger but not hurt them in the process, tricky tricky. I held on to the anger for a long long time, not even knowing it was building up, no awareness of it accumulating in me and then....bang....it hit me. I felt in shock and fuzzy (It's a word...honest). I have always held a little anger towards myself (still trying to figure that one out!) but I felt really strong anger towards myself.....all because I felt anger towards others. I wanted to get it all out of me knowing that it is an emotion that you cannot leave running through your system. 

I have worked through this alone, not knowing if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have done some forgiving, in my heart. Yes, that includes being in the process of forgiving myself too. 

I had to get it out........

Leaving

I feel it running through my veins, toxic, heated.

Nowhere to go but circulating, bubbling and boiling.

It's not even just a simmer, it's heat is pulsating,

a force unbidden yet unseen.

Searching for answers to release it, to feel cleansed

To halt the internal poisoning.

But coming up short as my mind is racing,

And ranting, relentless and frustrating.

I must clear my mind, my feelings and find it in me somewhere.

To forgive, to set free, to release, cleanse....purifying.

Sit on it, meditate on it, calm the chaos.

Slow down and stop the chasing.

Just feel, don't think. Take a breath.

And another. Releasing and freeing.

Watch it float away in the breeze.

Unrelenting and distancing.

I felt you, I felt you anger. I don't need you anymore.

I feel you leaving.

Pinterest

Rachel Rose.x

Day 3 - This too shall Pass

The story of 2015 so far has been a challenging one, think this has been my most challenging year to date, not a year of terrible things happening but of going inwards and really finding out things about myself I had to address. (Does this happen to anybody else when they turn 30?....nope, just me then!!) I have needed to let go, or at least try to learn to. I am currently learning to open my heart more and, with this current challenge, write from my heart, and to not hide in my shell so much (Yes, my star sign is Cancer).

This year an array of emotions have washed over me on a daily basis and these emotions have been chaotic, difficult to settle and ease. They have consisted of anger initially, anger from within then into despair and panic at having been so angry. I have experienced this emotion, if only briefly, but not to this extent and for an extended period of time. I have felt disheartened and dismayed at the prospect of a potentially good year very quickly going downhill but then realising it may just be the start of some life changes that are needed.

I started the year with great intentions, a list of New Year’s resolutions and high hopes to make this a busy and exciting year. This very quickly diminished with worries about health in my family, upset with two of my closest friends.... losing one and pushing the other one away, my Son not settling at school, starting a new job and feeling very isolated and alone.

I thank all the moons of this year, what have we had?....a couple of new moons, a new moon in Scorpio, a blood moon and an eclipse and we are now in a Mercury retrograde.(cough cough, just read an article about playing victim to the retrograde...Its my excuse and I'm keeping it!!) I believe I am a moon child, this universe is having an impact on me this year and I think I have felt it more from connecting inwardly through yoga, meditation and all the reading I do, thank you elephant journal!!

This, somewhat, leaves me with a positive spin on it because my mantra thus far has been “This too shall pass”, this mercury retrograde is still in flow and continuing through to the 11^th June and in that time I know for me it is important to open my heart to new and exciting things, of connecting on a spiritual level and knowing that yes...this too shall pass.....while I dread the thought of another retrograde later in the year. I am, realistically, both positive and pessimistic at the same time...oh how I long to be the optimist.

2015 may just be the jump start I need to find my passions, or purpose and to seek those things more inwardly and connecting more.

Pinterest

Rachel Rose.x

Day 2 - Mental Health

Day 2 - My assigment

I have recently been studying an online course called Mental Health and Psychology : Nature vs Nurture with the University of Liverpool here. This course is for 6 weeks and this week, which is week 5, we had a 500 word assignment, this is mine.  How fitting for my 500 words a day.

Maintaining your Mental Health.

There are many factors which can negatively influence a person’s mental health with relevant and appropriate strategies to alleviate these factors. I am going to look at 3 factors and example strategies for each.

The earliest factor to consider is pre-conception and the pre-natal period. This period is highly significant and teenage pregnancy plays its part in mental health issues occurring after the birth of the baby with a high risk of the baby then developing mental health issues in childhood, adolescence and adulthood.  During the pregnancy, especially in adolescent pregnancy, risk taking behaviours, such as smoking, drinking alcohol and taking drugs, may contribute to the factors which can negatively influence both the adult and baby’s mental health.  

The 2^nd factor I am going to look at is the effects of Childhood trauma on mental health as an adolescent and adult. In research in recent years it has been discovered that traumatic events in childhood have a lasting negative influence on an adult’s mental health. There are lasting consequences from experiencing trauma as a child, such as sexual abuse or physical abuse, the main being Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)  which can arise in the late teen years and adulthood.

The final factor negatively influencing a person’s mental health can be the “work-life balance” (WHO, 2012) as an adult. There are detriments to mental health in a stressful work environment and not spending enough time with friends and family. On the other end of the scale unemployment has a negative influence on mental health with higher death rates. On both ends of the scale people may then disengage with leisure activities increasing negatives affects on well being and mental health.

 Early intervention and prevention is a vital strategy for the pre-conception and the pre-natal period, starting with education for young parents to be, one particular group is Mellow Parenting which involves an element of the programme called Mellow Bumps. Mellow Bumps is an engagement programme to promote early attachment with bump and preparation for labour with relaxation. That is just one example of a parenting group, but the World Health organisation (2012) states the importance of parent training and natal care. This early intervention may be vital to influence promotion of good self care enhancing a person’s mental health, therefore alleviating the negative influence on Mother and baby’s mental health in the future.  The 2^nd and 3^rd factors may require more intervention psychologically but also taking into account Peter Kinderman’s five ways to wellbeing. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is one strategy and the Charity, Mind, explains “CBT is learning to break the cycle of negative thinking”. This is carried out with a trained therapist and can be a successful way to overcome symptoms of PTSD.  There also other intervention available, CBT is just one option.  Self- Help can be a very important strategy and using the five ways to well being can have a significant effect on Mental Health in general, PTSD and stressful work environments and unemployment. The five ways to well being include; getting active, giving, maintaining relationships, keep the mind active and be mindful. Self- care can empower and motivate people to overcome negative feelings of mental health and PTSD.

This is a very brief overview of factors which can negatively influence a person’s mental health with strategies for each. There are, however, many more factors as is strategies.

WHO (2012).  Risks to Mental Health: An overview of vulnerabilities and risk factors.

 Background paper by who secretariat for the development of

a comprehensive mental health action plan.

Kinderman P (2014) A Prescription for Psychiatry: Why We Need a

Whole New Approach to Mental Health and Wellbeing. Palgrave Macmillan.

London. pp 110-113.

NHS Confederation Fact Sheet (2011).

http://blog.humangivens.com

www.mind.org.uk

www.mellowparenting.org

www.brp.org.uk

I received some really good feedback...I am so pleased.

Rachel Rose.x

#500wordsaday