The penultimate post, I honestly wish I had something substantial to say. Something that I can look back on and be proud of.
I am unsure if I can do that, I have discovered through writing for the last month that I am very unsure about a lot of things in my life right now. Although, I have discovered I quite like writing, I feel emptier at the end of the day, I sleep a little better having purged what I can for that day.
Or is it just me that is unsure, an incapacity to find a steady foothold. I am still in a questioning stage, why? How? When? Why? Why? Why?
I hope to work through my questions and somehow figure out the answers I seek.
Let’s start...why not? Got to start somewhere...right?
I had read a blog post on elephant journal which was questions to ask yourself, so I wrote them out in my expansive notebooks full of lists, notes, quotes and randomness from my mind.
Why am I doing this?
In terms of my job, which I am at right now, I honestly do not know, the age old answer of paying my bills is such a ridiculous thing to say when in my mind and in my dreams I have so much more. I have what might be called unlocked potential; the real problem is that it seems to be unlocked to me too. I need to learn to unlock my own potential and come to terms with the barriers I need to break down and the hurdles I need to jump over and truly find my purpose, surely I can do that or is fear in my way......leading onto;
Is my fear limiting me?
Yes, a big fat yes. I am fearful of the consequences, I am fearful of being flat out broke and not being able to raise my child with next to no income. I fear the law, the Scottish law prohibits me from leaving the country with my child for more than 4 weeks at a time (I am leaving the country for 5 weeks this summer........sssshhhhh do not tell anyone!). If I did not fear this law my dreams of travel, of living elsewhere, of being given the chance to explore and eventually find where I belong then I would up and leave.(But would fear then stop me?!). I fear what people think of me, that I am a reckless parent for taking my child out of school and “gallivanting” round the world. I fear that I would have no support; actually I fear that lack of support for me will continue. I fear leaving my home, although I like to roam and see new places but I do love to come home again. I am fearful of always being alone.
Not only does fear limit me but so do the barriers I place in front of me, it is so stupid, and why would I want to limit myself. I fear I have no self belief, and I think that is one of the requirements to achieving your dreams. But, I do also believe that people need people, the support of others is what can give you that boost and right now, I do not have that, right now I am only left with my fears and debilitating lack of self belief.
"Everything you want is on the other side of fear" Jane Canfield.
Shite! (Kirk.....Scottish Accent!)
This too shall pass......even on Day 29 this is still repeated when necessary.
In the hope of feeling better I came home from work and read my Jyotish horoscope -
"Gains come from writing, communication and self expression. How are you sharing and showing up in the process? Retreats and away time will help you make new relationships and career connections. Invite in the flow, the abundance and wealth. Heal from the heart and let your heart be healed simultaneously , This is a vital resource in order for you to be more nourished and vital. Be sure to balance you giving and receiving so you don't burn out. Ask for support in new ways and see who shows up to help you grow and expand your career and dharma."
(Elephant Journal)
I feel better, I may have to keep writing, communicating and self expressing! I am asking for support.....please!!...pretty please with a cherry on the top.
