Day 23/24 - Searching for connection.

(On our walk last night. Dumfries, Scotland.)

Yesterday I could not write for some reason, I was blocked. A little disheartened maybe from lack of connection to other humans, having written my Day 22 post and put so much thought into it and I got absolutely no feedback, I had a day of "what's the point?" I am no good, I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends anymore...I have to accept that it is just me and the boy on our own up against the world, it's a harsh world.  What a contradiction too...after the statement of letting go of the ego, sometimes us humans have a real struggle with our ego, it is always there niggling away at us, the voice over one shoulder saying no one liked your post today......you are rubbish, not worthy, you will never fit in. The vicious vindictive nasty negative thinking takes over and the doubts settle over you like a dark rain cloud that follows you round all day taunting and teasing. I wanted to write something that would open up discussion and help me to connect, in some cases re connect but maybe that door is well and truly closed for good. It seems that door slams in my face quite often in life, just because I  am a little different, uniquely human but still....different.

 I got the boy from school yesterday afternoon, got him changed and out of the house we had to go. I needed out, to escape for a while into the sunshine, playing blind to the dark cloud following above....It didn't rain though. The sun got brighter as did my thoughts. I made a conscious effort to look around me and be specific about picking out all the positive and try to dissipate the negative thinking, the blackness of it, the toxicness of it. I looked at the boy, who, for some reason, appreciates escaping just as much as me. 

We went to a restaurant for dinner with an outdoor area, we sat at a beautiful spot near the water with the sun shining down upon us and the boy, well he just looked so handsome in his cap and sunglasses. He had been mid tantrum when I said lets get out in the sun and now, at the table outside, he had calmed down and sat happy in nature enjoying the sun and surroundings just as much as me, The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

We both enjoyed eating, I tried something new and loved it. I don't drink alcohol very often but tonight I decided to and I could just feel myself relaxing and slowing down, not being so harsh on myself. Ice cream....of course that made us both smile. After, as I drank slowly, the boy climbed on the climbing frame, ran round the grass and climbed on the walls...who needs toys or technology!?!

Then a walk, a really long slow walk, mind drifting, feeling the heat on my skin and a light breeze floating in and out, enjoying all the colours of the world. I was grounding again, it is just what I needed and it took for me to actually do that to realise it was that I really needed. I had a little human and a little nature to connect with and I am so grateful I have those two things. I live in a beautiful part of the world and when black clouds appear in my life I should step outside and seek connection to nature so that I can become more grounded and remember the beauty of this place.

When I got home and connected....to the interwebs, there was a quote about mercury going direct on this day and I had questioned this on my walk. Having forgot the date in my chaotic frantic mind of mine but as the day went on I felt different, like everything felt just a little lighter, I was carrying less on my shoulders and my thoughts slowed. 

I seem to get stuck in the depths of negative thinking, especially about myself, is this the reason I am so alone in the world? But then how do I get out of it when I have no one in my life to receive the containment and reciprocity that I need? The care that I need? The understanding, and if not understanding just someone to be there for me?

I can see my own growth though, previously, in my 20's I would have continued the negative thinking to the point of punishment, I would have to punish myself for the things going on in my life, thinking back it was all so dramatic too. I took it too far with the punishment of self and would place all blame on me for the way things were or the way I was. I have my scars for that time in my life.

Now, in my 30's, I realise how important self care is and that I need to be gentle on myself. To take care of me when it is needed. I am who I am, and it is really hard work and so draining to try to fit in all the time, to be someone who I am not. I have acceptance. I have patience. I am a fragile human, just like us all, searching for a connection.

I leave in four weeks to spend the summer in another country with a family and as volunteers I hope that we meet other like minded people to spend time with. People who I can connect with and make some good memories with, and find perspective and grounding. It is what I need, for me, right now. I will have to step out of my comfort zone to hopefully find what I am looking for....because it is not knocking on my door, thats for sure.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 21 - Creating a habit.

(Southerness beach, South West Scotland)

The Power in Expectation

How important are beliefs and expectations in determining what happens to us in life? They may be more important than you think.

Have you ever noticed that people who expect the best in life usually seem to get it? And have you noticed that the reverse also seems to be true? Do you think it happens that way due to coincidence or luck? Or is something else going on?

One of The Pacific Institute's core principles, solidly founded on cognitive research, is that we move toward and become like what we think about. We behave not in accordance with the truth, but with the truth as we perceive and believe it to be. So it follows that when you expect the best from yourself and others, you behave in ways that almost guarantee you are going to get it.

The same is true when you expect trouble. You set yourself up for trouble in countless little and not so little ways and sure enough, trouble shows up at your door. What do you expect for yourself? Do you expect to do the things you dream about, or do you expect obstacles, opposition and eventual disappointment?

If you consistently and lovingly give your children a better, much more positive expectation, they are far more likely to go out and make it happen. And the best part? Once it's a habit, it is repeated throughout their lives.

I receive daily emails from the pacific institute, which is a training course I took part in over the last two years. I love getting these emails, and today's.....what an excellent prompt for writing.

Beliefs and expectations are important and maybe this is my downfall, my doubts, probably just plain excuses, stop me from believing I can do something. On the hand, when I set my mind to something I achieve it, eg. I am going travelling this year again, In January I decided this and by the end of January I had organised my summer. In my mind there is no stopping me until I have achieved that goal, and I stick to it, work hard and it pays off. In comparison this is a small follow through, its the bigger things that I struggle with and the doubts kick in and overwhelms me. I trip over the first hurdle, arms flailing, bruised knees (em....ego!) and left red faced walking shamefully away with my tail between my legs...I am not sure why my determination fails me then, when I need to get back up strong, brush off my "knees" and kick over the damn hurdle and head for the finish line.

I had mentioned coincidences yesterday in my post and it has come up again, I do believe in them and know that there is something, maybe magical, in them. Coincidences are little angels just giving you a nudge from one thing to another, they shut a door but open a window of opportunity just when you need it. I questioned yesterday whether I should sit and wait my fate or do something about it, maybe sitting and waiting is not enough but keeping my eyes and ears open for future projects and not miss out on opportunities presented to me is at least doing something. I don't want to push too much, just enough to keep moving and evolving, always learning and gaining experience and knowledge. As for luck, a little of that always helps too! As for something else...I believe more and more everyday that there is the power of the universe guiding and, like the angels, nudging, giving subtle signs but, as I said, I need to be aware and observant to what the signs mean and how they can guide me to my purpose...purposes!

Expecting obstacles...thats me! I need to change my view of how high those obstacles are I guess, look at them from a different angle and maybe with a different goal, cut down the goal into more sizable chunks....baby steps, that's what they say isn't it. That surely makes the obstacles less likely to seem so daunting, less likely to bruise my "knees" on the way down so I can get back up and try again. This may help my perfectionistic, introverted, highly sensitive personality the capacity to undergo the mighty task of truly living the dreams I dream. Will that alleviate the eventual disappointment? I hope so.

"we move toward and become like what we think about.", Think more positive thoughts, I can do this, I can do this...This too shall pass...even 21 days in I am repeating when necessary.

I try very hard to provide positive expectation of the boy because as an adult I know how it feels to be trapped in negative thinking and it is a difficult vicious cycle to get out of. I can get trapped for weeks and months at a time in self doubt, depression and anxiety.

I ask him every night to tell me three good things about his day, and it not only makes it a habit for him, but it probably helps me more, more than he will ever know.

I should write down three good things about my day every night too....it will then become my habit. Positive expectation.

1. The sun was out today.

2. I drank fresh green juice, it tasted so good and it made me feel so good!

3. I have the most handsome intelligent boy.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 10 - Sun

I'm stuck now, why did I agree to this challenge from Kale and Cigarettes. I am not a writer, never have been. I mean I can write a poem or two now and again, but daily writing....what the hell did I sign up to this for. I don't even reach the 500 words everyday...Fuck!

It will just be boring to write about my day, saying that, its been a pretty good day. The sun came out (It's Scotland...need I say more.) and it always seems to make the day a little better, makes it feel less heavy. Rain and black clouds are heavy, really heavy when that is all you have seen for almost 8 months.....why do I live in Scotland again? For the sun of course d'uh! (I often swim in sarcasm just to keep it topped up).

 But the sun, that is a whole other feeling. Light...as in light as a feather, fresh and things look more blue, green, warm, blooming.....even nature is overwhelmed with gratitude when the sun is out. Yellow is the colour of optimism, it can stimulate the mind and spark creative ideas, I often find this. I am more creative and productive when the sun is out. I want to be outside, walking, running or just sitting somewhere with my eyes closed and feeling the heat on my skin....the beach is the best when I am not in this country. 6 weeks and I will be on a plane....to a beach...the countdown is on! Its been on for a while now.

 Back to my day...really....is this all I have to write about, why can't I write something profound, witty and with intention. Maybe I do have a little intention, I mean I sat down and intended to write. I am lacking inspiration today.....the sun is out. I want to go outside and not be writing but I also want to write it right now so I can stop thinking about it, tick it off the to do list for the day. Let the thought of it float away and not come back...until tomorrow and the 19 days after that! Positive thought...once the 19 days are over I get to countdown in days, minutes...seconds (I went too far....right??) how long it will be until I land in sunshine....the real sun, you know the one where no clouds exist round it, or getting in the way of it. Scotland comes with clouds, its a given...its when there is only one cloud in the sky, not even hot sun, just sun, the Scottish feel the need to strip down to short shorts and bikinis to then complain its too hot....well....those are the ones that have not experienced the real sun, the sun close to the equator, the sun that has magic powers that help you drift in and out of thoughts more easily, that allow you to float into daydreaming, especially if you have the sound of the waves tumbling in and out. That's the sound of calm for me, that's what I crave and I crave it often. I get a high from the sun, a happy buzz, I want to do cartwheels and go on adventures, eat ice cream, experiment in my photography and eagerly anticipate how spectacular the sunset will be. 

 After my brief piece yesterday about my depression over the years I truly believe I have seasonal affective disorder. I can actually feel the sadness eroding me in early November of every year, I get really sad at that time of the year, cry a lot...cry even more when I think I am crying for no reason, pull out the warm hoodies and put the heating on for the winter. Waking up in the dark, going to work in the dark, coming home from work in the dark....its darkness...all darkness. The darkness makes me ill, in mind, body and spirit. Maybe its all of this that has attacked my physical health recently, I know they are all connected and being in a state of chaos is not helping....deep breath, keep it slow. Its time to find balance. It's May and we are all still waiting on the sun, its actually the main topic of conversation for people in this part of the world, we all have the same wish...The Sun! Well.....we have it today and I feel grateful for it...on my day off too.

  Lets get out the darkness. The Sun. I love it. I yearn for it and actually need it in my life. I connect with it in some way. It sprinkles magic on the earth for all to prosper....yellow is also the colour of prosperity, because it is the closest primary colour to gold. (Yeah... there is a swimming pool to swim in full of useless knowledge too!)

My day, who cares about that really....no one ever asks me how my day is anyway. The sun is out, its time to take the boy on a long walk in grateful nature and ease my thoughts and wait to be sun stoned.....or just a little from, you know, the Scottish sun. I hold out for the sun of this summer in a beautiful place and hopefully surrounded by beautiful people....the ones who don't need to ask me about my day because they are part of it, walking beside me in the light.

Rachel Rose.x

Scotland on a Sunday

I thought I would start with a little adventure near my hometown, Dumfries, with my family.

When it is a nice sunny day this is a beautiful place to explore and on this Sunday we decided to go a hike up to Waterloo Monument which is near a tiny village called New Abbey, about 5 miles out of Dumfries on the Solway Coast. The hike we took up to the monument was about 2 miles but very steep with a little rock climbing near the top.

Once at the top we had a picnic and enjoyed the amazing views across the land and coast. You can even climb to the top of the monument which is an extremely steep spiral staircase and very little space at the top but the views are worth it, as you can see.

Then on the way back we discovered blackberries on the track and decided to pick some on the way down.

We decided to continue along the Solway Coast and stopped at Southerness beach which is a beautiful rocky beach with a lovely lighthouse and plenty of shells to collect.

This was a great Sunday adventure with my family and so grateful to live in such a beautiful place.

Rachel Rose x