Day 26 - Cheater

What to write what to write what to write!

I have had a really busy day working, I am tired but I worked hard for this fatigue and for the money. I actually made some money today, I face painted for 4.5 hours, no break, and I made more in that time than I do at my "real job" in a whole week. I loved every minute of it. I know I love it. I love it because even though I have a seriously sore back....craving yoga......and feel so very tired I would still get up an do it again tomorrow. When I get the compliments all I can say is "It's because I love it".

It is a part of my creative side and I get to do that nearly every weekend, it is therapeutic for me. I can become quite serious looking when I am concentrating, as you can see, but I just zone out and go into a little world of my own, I am not often aware of the queue getting longer and longer.

It is such a nice little job.....my weekends quench my creative soul!

Thats all I have, yoga and bed for me!!

Maybe my photos can speak another 200 words for me....my mind is screaming "Cheater.....Cheater....Cheater"!!! I am too tired to care mind.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 25 - I have Joy.

(Isn't he handsome!)

Has 25 days passed since I started this, wow that means only 5 days left. I feel quite proud I have managed to keep going.

After my "feel sorry for me" post yesterday I practiced yoga for a couple of hours, meditated and went to bed early and read. I know now that my mind is slowly clearing as I can read again, and not just read the words while thinking about other things but can become engrossed in the story. I am glad, and grateful for this as reading is something I need in my life, it is my escapism from reality. Reading The Island by Michael Stark just now...it is so good!

Anyway, I feel a bit better today, started to relax more. I feel like my writing seems very somber and serious when in fact my day to day life is more fun than it seems. I have time everyday for laughter, sarcasm, quick wittedness, dancing and being silly. I have joy.

I often find that I am quite a cool young (I am still young...honest) Mum. Today when food shopping I bought water guns and water balloons. The children in the street and the boy were so happy when the water guns came out with a tub full of water for refills. Then came a big bowl full of water balloons filled to nearly bursting, I love the noise of squeals of excitement and laughter.  Avoidance of housework always equals more fun and quality time with children. They are delightful, most of the time.

Every couple of weeks we attend a children's group called peacemakers, it is part of the baha'i faith with reference to the religion throughout. Even though we do not practice this religion we are still welcomed with open and loving arms. The leader of this group is so gentle and patient, I have a real connection to people like that and she helps me to strive for peace and calm, especially in a room full of noisy children.  The theme today for the group was joy, and discussion takes place amongst the children about this. They surprise me everytime with their knowledge and perspective of the world around them. My boy is very shy, introverted (Eh...haven't got a clue where he gets that from!!) but in peacemakers he is engaged and speaks out in the group. He knows and understands the topics and he too, strives for good and unity in the world. It is a pleasure to watch him be part of such a special group. We have stories, colouring, games and singing. I love this little group, and so does he. I am glad that as a parent I know and understand the importance of quality time with my child, no phone, no interruptions, just enjoying time with him. This is what brings me joy, so much of it. And I get to have him in my life everyday, I am so lucky. 

The quote from the group today was "O' Son of Man rejoice in the gladness of thine heart, that thou may be worthy to meet me and to mirror forth my beauty" I really like that.

Rachel Rose.x

The Bahá'í Faith (Persian: بهائیت‎ Bahá'iyyat, Arabic: بهائية‎‎ Bahá'iyya /bəˈhaɪ/^{[note 1]}) is a monotheistic religion which emphasizes the spiritual unity of all humankind

Day 23/24 - Searching for connection.

(On our walk last night. Dumfries, Scotland.)

Yesterday I could not write for some reason, I was blocked. A little disheartened maybe from lack of connection to other humans, having written my Day 22 post and put so much thought into it and I got absolutely no feedback, I had a day of "what's the point?" I am no good, I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends anymore...I have to accept that it is just me and the boy on our own up against the world, it's a harsh world.  What a contradiction too...after the statement of letting go of the ego, sometimes us humans have a real struggle with our ego, it is always there niggling away at us, the voice over one shoulder saying no one liked your post today......you are rubbish, not worthy, you will never fit in. The vicious vindictive nasty negative thinking takes over and the doubts settle over you like a dark rain cloud that follows you round all day taunting and teasing. I wanted to write something that would open up discussion and help me to connect, in some cases re connect but maybe that door is well and truly closed for good. It seems that door slams in my face quite often in life, just because I  am a little different, uniquely human but still....different.

 I got the boy from school yesterday afternoon, got him changed and out of the house we had to go. I needed out, to escape for a while into the sunshine, playing blind to the dark cloud following above....It didn't rain though. The sun got brighter as did my thoughts. I made a conscious effort to look around me and be specific about picking out all the positive and try to dissipate the negative thinking, the blackness of it, the toxicness of it. I looked at the boy, who, for some reason, appreciates escaping just as much as me. 

We went to a restaurant for dinner with an outdoor area, we sat at a beautiful spot near the water with the sun shining down upon us and the boy, well he just looked so handsome in his cap and sunglasses. He had been mid tantrum when I said lets get out in the sun and now, at the table outside, he had calmed down and sat happy in nature enjoying the sun and surroundings just as much as me, The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

We both enjoyed eating, I tried something new and loved it. I don't drink alcohol very often but tonight I decided to and I could just feel myself relaxing and slowing down, not being so harsh on myself. Ice cream....of course that made us both smile. After, as I drank slowly, the boy climbed on the climbing frame, ran round the grass and climbed on the walls...who needs toys or technology!?!

Then a walk, a really long slow walk, mind drifting, feeling the heat on my skin and a light breeze floating in and out, enjoying all the colours of the world. I was grounding again, it is just what I needed and it took for me to actually do that to realise it was that I really needed. I had a little human and a little nature to connect with and I am so grateful I have those two things. I live in a beautiful part of the world and when black clouds appear in my life I should step outside and seek connection to nature so that I can become more grounded and remember the beauty of this place.

When I got home and connected....to the interwebs, there was a quote about mercury going direct on this day and I had questioned this on my walk. Having forgot the date in my chaotic frantic mind of mine but as the day went on I felt different, like everything felt just a little lighter, I was carrying less on my shoulders and my thoughts slowed. 

I seem to get stuck in the depths of negative thinking, especially about myself, is this the reason I am so alone in the world? But then how do I get out of it when I have no one in my life to receive the containment and reciprocity that I need? The care that I need? The understanding, and if not understanding just someone to be there for me?

I can see my own growth though, previously, in my 20's I would have continued the negative thinking to the point of punishment, I would have to punish myself for the things going on in my life, thinking back it was all so dramatic too. I took it too far with the punishment of self and would place all blame on me for the way things were or the way I was. I have my scars for that time in my life.

Now, in my 30's, I realise how important self care is and that I need to be gentle on myself. To take care of me when it is needed. I am who I am, and it is really hard work and so draining to try to fit in all the time, to be someone who I am not. I have acceptance. I have patience. I am a fragile human, just like us all, searching for a connection.

I leave in four weeks to spend the summer in another country with a family and as volunteers I hope that we meet other like minded people to spend time with. People who I can connect with and make some good memories with, and find perspective and grounding. It is what I need, for me, right now. I will have to step out of my comfort zone to hopefully find what I am looking for....because it is not knocking on my door, thats for sure.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 11/12 - You have no money

(This is actually me!, on the left. doing Nadi Shodhana, Alternative nostril breathing.)

What happened yesterday? 

Don't have a clue...woke up in a panic this morning having realised that yesterday my day was so jam packed full of face painting, mothering, house cleaning, worrying about money, yogaing (to try to forget about the worrying) that writing seemed to pass me by without a thought! I need to put it as a reminder in my phone....along with everything else. I would be the worst parent at the school gates if I didn't have a rolling reminder in my phone telling me it is gym day...must put gym clothes on the boy...oh yeah....and also put the uniform into the bag, don't forget snack! I usually then put all reminders for the rest of that day/week in my phone after 9am, that means the boy is at school with everything he needs and all other "important" things will chime away as the day goes on! God....I hate that chiming noise, I sometimes switch it off without even looking at it. God....that can cause a few regrets!

Will need to remind myself to put that reminder in my phone about the writing challenge, the one that lasts 30 days consecutively, fuck, I failed. I fail at a lot of things in life and usually at the last hurdle. Its that notion that I think I can run faster than I actually can, that naive perception that I can do it. My brain never fully understands how intense or important something is at the time, I claim to have a degree, I don't have a full degree, because, as I said, I failed at the last hurdle. I wanted it, didn't actually need it, considering when I look around no one else who earned theirs is really using it for its purpose but still...I should not have failed, I should not have failed myself. 

That's a bit harsh on myself...or is it not! I only missed one day and I am trying to make up for it now. I still want to write what I know and write from my heart, bravely.

Today was less hectic than yesterday, no face painting, mothering and worrying were priority as usual but in the afternoon I had a yoga workshop for stress relief. It was for a few hours and included a lot of theory, which I am beginning to love. The yoga teacher reflected on the difference between information we have and knowledge we hold. It is only information to you if you cannot retain it, like when you google something you need to know one day but then have to google it again the next, because just information is hard to retain. Knowledge is when you feel it and just know it, you are involved fully in the learning process of it so that when someone asks you about it you can relay, with a passion, your true knowledge about it.

Halfway through the workshop. I felt somewhat vulnerable, I am not sure where these emotions came from. It happens a lot lately, a sudden wave of emotion just washing over me and it can't be controlled. Maybe I am not suppose to control it, I think I have to learn to accept the waves as they come and let them calm me, as real waves do, and flow and wash over me to release deep emotions in me. I felt a bit shaky, physically, in our asana practice I was off balance, slipping and shaking a lot. I actually feel like my emotions were doing something to my body, the teacher picked up on this, it was a big class! She approached me calmly and spoke to me about it, reassuring me that the deeper you go into yoga practice the more emotions you conjure up to the surface and that this was normal! We all want to be told we are normal...don't we! Am I normal though? I don't have another adult at home to go back to say have you ever felt this, have you ever felt that?? whats wrong with me?? Reassure me?? Contain me and my ever evolving, erratic, impermanent emotions!

During meditation, apart from trying to wiggle my foot out from under me as I was in agony with pins and needles and thinking "when is the 20 minutes up?", I started to appreciate the emotions I was feeling during the afternoon and release them, slowly. I then lost my Yoga Nidra virginity and this was something that truly helped me to release the tension in my body and mind. It was guided and when asked to visualise an intention, for me it was seeing myself teaching in a similar way to my yoga teacher today. I want to help others, and my visualisation saw me helping pregnant women, this was something I had been looking into in the last couple of weeks! I hope this comes true, I really hope it does. My body, mind and spirit want it but my logical brain screams "YOU HAVE NO MONEY"!

Who wants to fund my yoga teacher training? Anyone? Nope?

Silence!!

What if I say pretty please with a cherry on the top??

Still No?

Rachel Rose.x

Day 6 - Festival Fun

This weekend I was invited to Volksfling Festival to face paint. Volksfling is a car show for Volkswagen and let me tell you, I have never seen so many VW Campervans in one place before. (and of course all the other VW'S you can get!!) This is held at Biggar, near Edinburgh!

It was so busy with families and fun. I was there for two days and think I painted over 200 faces.

When I go to events like this I truly enjoy it, it was amazing to be there and be a small part of it all. I love seeing people happy and having fun, by the time I closed up my stall on the Saturday night all the campers were cooking dinner on barbecues and chilling in the early evening sun. By the Sunday my inner hippy emerged and I had bought flowers for my hair and got myself a beautiful henna tattoo!

One of my dreams is to buy a Campervan and go round all the festivals face painting. A pipe dream maybe but when I talk to traders that is what they do and they all seem to love it.

I love meeting new people and over the years face painting I have built up more confidence and always make sure to go and talk to people and they always open my mind more, to ways of living and about life and making the most of it. They embrace the uncertainty of whether their trade will go well that weekend or not and if it doesn't they feel grateful and happy to be able to be part of these events. They travel the whole country and must meet some great people along the way as well as making a living. It truly is like living like a nomad!

Mmmmm....Maybe I should consider it, bite the bullet and make a big change in my life. Love what you do and you will never work a day in your life!

Now to figure out how to incorporate face painting and yoga into a career?!?!?!

Here are some photos!

(Squeezed in some Yoga)

Rachel Rose.x