Burnout.

Abandoned has been my blog, funny how it is so difficult to write when you do not feel you "need" to.

Ive been feeling up and down, even just in the space of 24 hours. This is my rollercoaster year, this will pass. I feel low, energetically, I convince myself that summer will bring energy. No such luck, I feel drained. My eyes are heavy and so is my body.

There have been too many full days, days without gaps, no time to eat or sleep. I have drained myself physically and forgotten to connect emotionally. I am so stupid, I didn't slow down, I stayed in the fast lane and can feel the burnout now.

It is so important to have a break, take this slowly and to take time to do nothing, do what makes the soul happy and be at peace with the present moment.

I am writing, I am not going to do anything this evening apart from relax, connect, bring myself back to a better state of wellbeing.

Do the same if you need to.

Rachel Rose.x

A reminder.

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I loaded up my laptop...out of habit to write my 500 words. Does that mean this is now a habit?

I did not even doubt it or hesitate or think "Oh I cant be bothered"...I just did it without thinking.

Maybe I could do another 30 days....who knows.

I volunteer at the moment on a fortnightly basis with a charity called visibility, who work with people who have visual and hearing problems and need some support and assistance. I was partnered up with a lovely lady who is having trouble with her vision, she has macular degeneration, which means as time goes on her vision becomes worse. My volunteer coordinator paired us up because she has a sister who lives in South Africa.

She could not have made a more perfect match. I visit for a couple of hours on a Friday morning and we get a taxi to various places, it is exciting for her to get out and about, to be given some freedom again. She has a very similar, sarcastic sense of humour and this is what reminds me that as we get older it is important to laugh, to have fun and always find the bright side of things....yeah I know... It does not seem like I do but I try and this women is my reminder of that.

She has difficulty with walking and needs to use a walker, something she now requires due to both her vision and physical challenges but what always surprises me is how she adapts, how she overcomes her hurdles and barriers. It is quite amazing to watch someone who is going blind, its like all their other senses take over, no questions asked, they just show up and do what needs to be done. An example today was in a homeware shop we were looking at pictures for her bedroom, at first she was slightly frustrated that she could not see but then as she stopped, got her balance and focused on the task at hand she began to move her finger over the pictures, using touch to feel the size and texture of the picture. She could describe what the picture was by her limited sight but mostly from how it felt. 

Adaptability and sense of humour seem to be the two things that can get us through almost anything. We probably use these traits more than we think on a daily basis as life changes and evolves, taking us from one situation to the next as smoothly as transitions can be. This is intrinsic human nature, to make things easier for ourselves.

I enjoy this role as a volunteer, I find it comes naturally to me. I like to help others, even if it is in such a small way. I find that when you are volunteering people appreciate you more, they know that what you are doing for them is from your heart and not from a monetary payment at the end of the month. It is from my heart and I really look forward to the Friday's when I know I will get to spend time with this lovely woman who is growing old gracefully and peacefully with knowledge and wisdom; and most of all, a good sense of humour.

I hope one day, when I am growing older, that someone will be kind enough to give me the pleasure of their company when I need it.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 30 - Contradiction

I have been writing for 30 days......wait.....I....me.......yes me.....the non writer....has been writing for 30 days. 

I did not fail at the last hurdle, I kept going and really feel this is a small accomplishment for me. I am still not a writer, I know that. I write simply, and for all that I have a great sense of humour it seems to have been drifting out at sea for the last 30 days as I have been dealing with the more serious side of me. I'm getting ready to be more free in my self expression. I do want to write more, maybe even develop a style of writing that suits me. I know now that I should not force it, I should let myself let it flow out of me and not ponder too much about it, not force it.

I know that I do not often have a clever way of wording things, I find this in real life too. I have all my intelligence and knowledge stored up in my head and then have such a difficulty in expressing it verbally, I stumble over my speech, become anxious, lose all train of thought half way through a sentence. I want to be able to self express more "expressively"...does that even make sense? See what I mean? I know in my head what I want to say but I find it so hard to get it out in a cohesive manner. I truly believe that people must think I am stupid, or ditsy. I wish I could express what is going on in my head, with both my knowledge, ideas and also my feelings and emotions.

I read this in Elaine Aron's book recently about Highly Sensitive People (I am one of those....this book proves it). She states that those who are highly sensitive cannot perform under pressure, can often stutter and have problems with expression and expressive language...that's me. I often found in my previous job role (social work) that I could, with plenty of time and preparation, write a great report but then it came to the meeting which involved that report I would really struggle to express what I wrote. I would resort to simple language, stuttering, even anxiety would cause the words to blur if I looked at my report. It is something I am acutely aware of but have no control over. 

It is crazy that I now work in a speech and language therapy department when I have such issues with my own communication. In my life I have also been a selective mute and can still go in so deep with my emotions that simple verbal communication is impossible for me. I go days without talking, physically unable to.

I want to work on this more, and maybe my blog is a place to start. Going back to my first posts in this challenge I realise that I am letting go of my need to be grammatically correct all the time and to write what I know and what is in my heart at the time, I know this because when I start to type I just keep typing, this must be what is in my heart and it is just pouring out onto the page in front of me releasing what it needs to for that day and letting it go somehow. Sending it out into the universe to float out there instead of clogging up my body with stiffness, aches and pains. As I have said previously, writing is helping me to feel a little lighter. 

I hope to overcome this cycle I am in, not necessarily of depression, of seriousness, but of growing, changing and learning more and more about myself. To bring back my sense of humour, sarcasm and wit. It seems that is a part of me that did not shine over the last 30 days but it is in there, deep down under the dust settled from the mercury retrograde and cycles of the moon. It is time to brush away the dust and let it disperse to find some shine, some sparkle down there and to let it glimmer for others to see, maybe enough to find a partner in my life, something I yearn for.

 That could be what I hope for in 3 years (a prompt I have noticed in posts today)..I hope for a partner, someone to be part of this little family and to be my best friend...for life. I hope to be following my passions, exploring my purpose and be brave, really brave to pursue them regardless of where that is in the world and raising a happy resilient child who will grow into a gentleman, with an essence of old school chivalry the world seems to be missing right now. I want to be more sure of myself, more in touch with what is at the core of me and of what my soul desires. 

So here is a good contradiction for you.....I just wrote a few hundred words, communicated, self expressed about how bad I am at doing all those things!

Piss off self doubt.

Thanks to inspiration from a blog by Kirk Henlser I decided to take the 500 words per day for 30 days challenge.

The rules for the challenge were as follows (as written on the blog) –

“1) Write 500 words per day on any subject for any reason at any time for 30 CONSECUTIVE days.

(Failure to write 500 words per day for 30 straight days won’t cause you any bodily harm in the way of our bodyguards coming to your house and going after you with the belt strap but it will emotionally confirm your own fears of your inability to follow through on the simplest of tasks so my suggestion is to suck it up and even if you have to hit the “f” key 500 times and post that and call it a poem on the foundation for the word fuck then do that before you no-show).

2) Post your 500 words on Facebook and tag @kaleandcigarettes and #500wordsaday.

(This is the scary part, sharing your writing, because a lot of us, if not all, think that we actually quite suck at writing and that people will hate our guts for our thoughts but the reality here, and the whole value of this experiment, is working through that fear and realizing the only time we’re ever happy with our work is when we write from the heart). ((Pss – this takes practice. No shortcuts. Just the work)). -End scene-

Numero Tres) Maybe we’ll have a “group” on FB. I’m not sure yet the consequences of this action. Standby.

–Long story short – this is really easy. And what will happen is the development of your writing craft and your ability to decipher the difference between bullshit writing and writing from the heart.” Kirk Hensler.

And I did it!

Rachel Rose.x

Day 29 - Fear

The penultimate post, I honestly wish I had something substantial to say. Something that I can look back on and be proud of.

I am unsure if I can do that, I have discovered through writing for the last month that I am very unsure about a lot of things in my life right now. Although, I have discovered I quite like writing, I feel emptier at the end of the day, I sleep a little better having purged what I can for that day.

Or is it just me that is unsure, an incapacity to find a steady foothold. I am still in a questioning stage, why? How? When? Why? Why? Why?

I hope to work through my questions and somehow figure out the answers I seek.

Let’s start...why not? Got to start somewhere...right?

I had read a blog post on elephant journal which was questions to ask yourself, so I wrote them out in my expansive notebooks full of lists, notes, quotes and randomness from my mind.

Why am I doing this?

In terms of my job, which I am at right now, I honestly do not know, the age old answer of paying my bills is such a ridiculous thing to say when in my mind and in my dreams I have so much more. I have what might be called unlocked potential; the real problem is that it seems to be unlocked to me too. I need to learn to unlock my own potential and come to terms with the barriers I need to break down and the hurdles I need to jump over and truly find my purpose, surely I can do that or is fear in my way......leading onto;

Is my fear limiting me?

Yes, a big fat yes. I am fearful of the consequences, I am fearful of being flat out broke and not being able to raise my child with next to no income. I fear the law, the Scottish law prohibits me from leaving the country with my child for more than 4 weeks at a time (I am leaving the country for 5 weeks this summer........sssshhhhh do not tell anyone!). If I did not fear this law my dreams of travel, of living elsewhere, of being given the chance to explore and eventually find where I belong then I would up and leave.(But would fear then stop me?!). I fear what people think of me, that I am a reckless parent for taking my child out of school and “gallivanting” round the world. I fear that I would have no support; actually I fear that lack of support for me will continue. I fear leaving my home, although I like to roam and see new places but I do love to come home again. I am fearful of always being alone.

Not only does fear limit me but so do the barriers I place in front of me, it is so stupid, and why would I want to limit myself.  I fear I have no self belief, and I think that is one of the requirements to achieving your dreams. But, I do also believe that people need people, the support of others is what can give you that boost and right now, I do not have that, right now I am only left with my fears and debilitating lack of self belief. 

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear" Jane Canfield.

Shite! (Kirk.....Scottish Accent!)

This too shall pass......even on Day 29 this is still repeated when necessary.

In the hope of feeling better I came home from work and read my Jyotish horoscope - 

"Gains come from writing, communication and self expression. How are you sharing and showing up in the process? Retreats and away time will help you make new relationships and career connections. Invite in the flow, the abundance and wealth. Heal from the heart and let your heart be healed simultaneously , This is a vital resource in order for you to be more nourished and vital. Be sure to balance you giving and receiving so you don't burn out. Ask for support in new ways and see who shows up to help you grow and expand your career and dharma."
 (Elephant Journal)

I feel better, I may have to keep writing, communicating and self expressing! I am asking for support.....please!!...pretty please with a cherry on the top.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 25 - I have Joy.

(Isn't he handsome!)

Has 25 days passed since I started this, wow that means only 5 days left. I feel quite proud I have managed to keep going.

After my "feel sorry for me" post yesterday I practiced yoga for a couple of hours, meditated and went to bed early and read. I know now that my mind is slowly clearing as I can read again, and not just read the words while thinking about other things but can become engrossed in the story. I am glad, and grateful for this as reading is something I need in my life, it is my escapism from reality. Reading The Island by Michael Stark just now...it is so good!

Anyway, I feel a bit better today, started to relax more. I feel like my writing seems very somber and serious when in fact my day to day life is more fun than it seems. I have time everyday for laughter, sarcasm, quick wittedness, dancing and being silly. I have joy.

I often find that I am quite a cool young (I am still young...honest) Mum. Today when food shopping I bought water guns and water balloons. The children in the street and the boy were so happy when the water guns came out with a tub full of water for refills. Then came a big bowl full of water balloons filled to nearly bursting, I love the noise of squeals of excitement and laughter.  Avoidance of housework always equals more fun and quality time with children. They are delightful, most of the time.

Every couple of weeks we attend a children's group called peacemakers, it is part of the baha'i faith with reference to the religion throughout. Even though we do not practice this religion we are still welcomed with open and loving arms. The leader of this group is so gentle and patient, I have a real connection to people like that and she helps me to strive for peace and calm, especially in a room full of noisy children.  The theme today for the group was joy, and discussion takes place amongst the children about this. They surprise me everytime with their knowledge and perspective of the world around them. My boy is very shy, introverted (Eh...haven't got a clue where he gets that from!!) but in peacemakers he is engaged and speaks out in the group. He knows and understands the topics and he too, strives for good and unity in the world. It is a pleasure to watch him be part of such a special group. We have stories, colouring, games and singing. I love this little group, and so does he. I am glad that as a parent I know and understand the importance of quality time with my child, no phone, no interruptions, just enjoying time with him. This is what brings me joy, so much of it. And I get to have him in my life everyday, I am so lucky. 

The quote from the group today was "O' Son of Man rejoice in the gladness of thine heart, that thou may be worthy to meet me and to mirror forth my beauty" I really like that.

Rachel Rose.x

The Bahá'í Faith (Persian: بهائیت‎ Bahá'iyyat, Arabic: بهائية‎‎ Bahá'iyya /bəˈhaɪ/^{[note 1]}) is a monotheistic religion which emphasizes the spiritual unity of all humankind

Day 17 - Little Miss

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This one is cliche but I am going there anyway. Having recently done my mental health and psychology course and worked with vulnerable families for 5 years this has encouraged me to look back to my own childhood/adolescence/adulthood for the reason behind my fluctuating mental health over the years. Bullying is traumatic.......with everlasting effects on ones life, mentally, emotionally.

Dear Bullies,

Yes, I am talking to you. I am the one you only know to bow her head, hide her face, hide her skin. I am not even sure if you had even heard her voice before but it's here now, volume up, an ounce of assertiveness....enough for her to write this letter.

 I was the young confident girl, baton twirler, prancer, dancer and poser. Call me Little Miss Confident. To the young ones, I forgive you. I forgive you for telling me I was too much of a show off and rubbish anyway. You were too young to know any different, wanted to be part of the "cool crew", in with the latest cruel names to call the ones uninitiated into "cruelty crew"..oh sorry "cool". 

 No longer Little Miss Confident, introverting, shying away from all social interaction. Tears before bedtime, dreams of the taunting. Even you, my best friend. You took advantage, I was always the pawn in the game, the one discarded if that assertiveness appeared to suggest another way, to stop the destruction of "my" Barbie...never yours. The leader of the gang..."don't talk to her".... and they listened. Alone, I was that a lot.

 Then high school, to the boy who punched her in the stomach, f*ck you, I could knock you out now. To the girls who laughed at her first hair colour disaster, you have now had a few of your own.  Grabbing her, groping her...you made her retreat into her Cancer shell so much so that she no longer knew how to even feel Little Miss Confident inside her anymore. To the boyfriend who called her stupid at every opportunity, look at her now....far more highly qualified than you, and I have traveled enough to look at the world a little different, more gently, with a compassion you never have or never will possess. You are still the same...Peter Pan.

 The one that sticks in her head at age 15..."You are flat as a skateboard that is hard to ride"...well boy that one stuck didn't it. That one hung over her head for years, another f*ck you required here because don't you remember the night, at age 22, she walked past you low cut top, 3 cup sizes bigger with a gentleman on her arm. Did that hurt your jaw when it hit the floor!

 To the ones who think she is weak, frail, naive.....never make the mistake of thinking she is any of those things. Try going through deep depression, self harming, eating disorder and heartbreak but holding down two jobs while studying full time. Try being a female, creating, carrying and delivering another human being into the world. Try feeding that human from your own body for 18 months while domestic violence looms over you. Try the dropping baby off at supervised contact, having 2 hour panic attacks, numerous court ordeals/orders, legal fees. Still holding down two jobs. Bravely travelling with boy in tow to amazing places. All alone. With all her vulnerable determination.  Is that weakness? A frailty? Naive....don't ever mistake my introverted silence for that. Trust me.

 To the ones older, the ones who project power....preying down on the front liners. I am older than I look, know more than I say and don't ever believe your bullshit. I rebel you. all humans are equal. Bullying adults may actually be the children who did not survive.

 Bullies, I am an introvert. openly, bravely, quietly not because of you but in spite of you. I believed all of you when you hurt her, you were all liars, projections of your own insecurities.....maybe that gives me, as the adult, room for forgiveness. For everyone has a story, even the bully. Your pain may just be as vast, your own traumas reflected in your behaviours, while she retreats you may lash out. I hope you are sorry, for then, you may know that I have forgiven you. 

But I will never forget.

Little Miss Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 16 - Life

(My own Photograph)

Life

All we have in life

Is sometimes life itself,

A concept taken for granted sometimes,

Up until the moment life over turns.

It is the concept that is taken for granted,

Especially in our happy times.

And even in our sad times,

Where our troubles seem so vast and tense.

To consider the tool we call life.

But does anyone know what that is,

Is there a true reason we are here alive,

Or is it not revealed to us...

Until we have died.

Why is the special life we love,

Suddenly taken away from us,

And it always happens,

When we need that loved one the most.

A special encounter,

Always leads to something closer,

But when we decide to lay down full trust.

That special encounter,

is no longer upon us.

If life is just for living,

Then from this moment forward,

I will live mine to the fullest,

And will suffer with no regrets.

And I will take with me in death,

All those special encounters, good times.

Along with the bad,

And keep them locked in my memory box.

For then I know,

I can do no more,

Than take this precious tool we call life.

And never be the fool to take for granted.

I will always appreciate, As I always have.

The little moments in life

That bring a tear to my eye

or a smile to my face.

Or even the moments,

I can give to others

To warm their hearts, give them a feeling

of something truly special.

For on this earth and on my death,

I want be remembered as a special encounter

Even if I have only touched one life.

Then I know deep down I have done a right.

From now on I will be forever inspired,

As my special encounter has come and gone.

But will always, eternally,

Be within my heart and soul.

Let this be my forever inspiration

As I am still here alive,

Through all the pain and heartache.

I'm surprised that I always survive.

Strength seems to come and go,

And when I need to breakdown,

I allow the tears to fall

Which bring out my weakness.

Then this allows my strength,

From taking long deep breaths

To come forward, and wipe away

My tears or pain and sadness.

There are lessons in life

During our day to day strife.

So never take for granted.

Walk with the humble, for they know.

All about life.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Day 14 - French Nostalgia

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One day to halfway...not that I am counting.

I get nostalgic a lot, especially when I am alone (which is pretty much all the time), about my childhood and days gone past. 

 When I was younger me and my family would go to France every year on holiday, we would stay in a caravan and rent bikes, learn to swim, go on adventures. My earliest memory of France is being quite young, maybe 7/8 and my Mum and Dad teaching me how to ask at the bakery for 2 baguettes please....and the only reason I remember this so well is because

I repeated the phrase in my head over and over again "deux baguettes s'il vous plait, deux baguattes s'il vous plait, deux baguettes s'il vous plait" until I reached the little bakery, which was probably on the resort, but I felt older and responsible for getting lunch in a foreign country. Well I spent so much time memorising the phrase that I managed to forget how to get back to the caravan! I remember panicking and worrying, not knowing where to go. I found it...eventually, having achieved my goal.

There was also one time...."this one time at band camp" (everytime...thanks American Pie) there was a little lake to go fishing, and this was the manly thing to do. So my brother, younger than me, got himself a little fishing rod, think it was made out of bamboo, to be part of the fishing crew and he was so excited, got himself all set up and ready. He must have got distracted...or bored......it was definitely boredom....the fish bit and he was pulled into the water! My Dad just dipped his hand in the water and pulled him out by the ankles....it makes me laugh every time I think about it. Poor Boy.....never really took to fishing after that!

Then there was the water slides, it felt like we actually looked forward to seeing what they would be like, bigger and faster than the year before, how many people could go down them all at one time. I also learned to swim in France, and so did my brother. Time would just fly by some days by the pool, we would make friends, challenge each other to go down the slide a bit faster, jump in a little farther or higher. One day, we were a little older by this point, we were out on our bikes and discovered a resort with even bigger slides. I think there was six of us and we hid our bikes across the road and sneaked into the bigger better pool and had so much fun even though we were all terrified of getting thrown out!

We could be in France for up to three weeks at a time and every time it just got better and better, the last time we went it was with two other families, six kids....a holiday romance, injury by bike, barbecues, jenga, late nights in and out of caravans and tents, live music, long ferry journeys, getting lost on the wrong side of the road, hair braids and friendship bracelets exchanged with promises of never taking them off!

I could keep going and going with stories, but I better actually wash my dishes, like a good Mother.

I often wonder if nostalgia is our mind making our memories better so that we believe life is not as good now but when it comes to thinking about France I truly believe that those days were the best, truly the best of my childhood.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 13 - Prompted

This is what you get if you type creepy man looking in a window into google!

Today Kirk decided to give us a prompt, Oh God. I get the feeling that I am the only one in this time zone, the one that is hours and hours ahead of everyone else. That means I don't get to read all the other 500 words first....eeekkk!

The prompt is - WHAT WOULD SOMEONE SEE IF THEY LOOKED THROUGH YOUR WINDOW FOR 24 HOURS?

Now, my literal brain has just went into overdrive and all I can see now is some creepy man standing at my front window staring in, folding arms, strange smirk on his face, judging me, without any words but just tearing me apart with a look. Some of the washing is done, there is a bike in my living room, a yoga mat on the floor, only a few dishes at the sink today. Is this too literal? Is there some deep meaning behind the prompt? 

I might get to that (Or I am going drag out the thoughts in the literal part of my brain until the 500 words are used up) but 24 hours looking through my window is quiet chaos, my house is quiet, and often. There is one and half of us that live there, in a small two bedroom house. I have morning down to a swift routine, it consists of me doing everything I need to.....the chiming in my phone going off, gym kit, snack, show and tell object, while the boy sits on the couch being served breakfast and morning TV. There is a method to this because as soon as the uniform appears so do the floods of tears, this is when the house is less quiet, crying, moaning and me having to raise my voice to get the uniform, shoes, and jacket on then out the door.

Does the strange creepy man really have to look in the window of my car? My car is an extended storage space....with everything from face paints, tables, chairs etc! And through the window of my work...I must look seriously depressed at work, not quite fitting in, staring blankly at a screen dreaming of days when I can be my own boss and truly help and serve others in a more passionate way, also missing those faraway, wishing they were closer.

Pick up the boy, back home, dinner, bath, bedtime stories and hugs...sometimes deep and meaningful questions like the other night, he said...why is there an earth and why are we human?...he is a clever one that boy.

Then on my own, I am freaking out by this point if there is still a creepy man at my window when it is getting dark. Time for yoga, does he really have to see that? I don't have the fancy yoga pants. Just me in my pyjamas with a youtube video on meditatively moving, trying to focus my mind on finding my purpose, contemplating quitting my job and getting on a plane. Then maybe a shower to think up at least 500 words for this "challenge"...sorry experiment!

The creepy man at my window would maybe see a lost soul, especially this year. One who is lonely from single parenting for 6 years, having fled from domestic violence, bound by law to this country, lost all her friends in the process and yearns to be part of a community where there is counsel and a collective purpose of healing and lighting the way for self and others.

If he has to come to my bedroom window...the curtains are shut...because that's really extra super creepy and I would not sleep from fear of nightmares!!! 

Why did I have to google image it? No sleep from fear tonight then.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 11/12 - You have no money

(This is actually me!, on the left. doing Nadi Shodhana, Alternative nostril breathing.)

What happened yesterday? 

Don't have a clue...woke up in a panic this morning having realised that yesterday my day was so jam packed full of face painting, mothering, house cleaning, worrying about money, yogaing (to try to forget about the worrying) that writing seemed to pass me by without a thought! I need to put it as a reminder in my phone....along with everything else. I would be the worst parent at the school gates if I didn't have a rolling reminder in my phone telling me it is gym day...must put gym clothes on the boy...oh yeah....and also put the uniform into the bag, don't forget snack! I usually then put all reminders for the rest of that day/week in my phone after 9am, that means the boy is at school with everything he needs and all other "important" things will chime away as the day goes on! God....I hate that chiming noise, I sometimes switch it off without even looking at it. God....that can cause a few regrets!

Will need to remind myself to put that reminder in my phone about the writing challenge, the one that lasts 30 days consecutively, fuck, I failed. I fail at a lot of things in life and usually at the last hurdle. Its that notion that I think I can run faster than I actually can, that naive perception that I can do it. My brain never fully understands how intense or important something is at the time, I claim to have a degree, I don't have a full degree, because, as I said, I failed at the last hurdle. I wanted it, didn't actually need it, considering when I look around no one else who earned theirs is really using it for its purpose but still...I should not have failed, I should not have failed myself. 

That's a bit harsh on myself...or is it not! I only missed one day and I am trying to make up for it now. I still want to write what I know and write from my heart, bravely.

Today was less hectic than yesterday, no face painting, mothering and worrying were priority as usual but in the afternoon I had a yoga workshop for stress relief. It was for a few hours and included a lot of theory, which I am beginning to love. The yoga teacher reflected on the difference between information we have and knowledge we hold. It is only information to you if you cannot retain it, like when you google something you need to know one day but then have to google it again the next, because just information is hard to retain. Knowledge is when you feel it and just know it, you are involved fully in the learning process of it so that when someone asks you about it you can relay, with a passion, your true knowledge about it.

Halfway through the workshop. I felt somewhat vulnerable, I am not sure where these emotions came from. It happens a lot lately, a sudden wave of emotion just washing over me and it can't be controlled. Maybe I am not suppose to control it, I think I have to learn to accept the waves as they come and let them calm me, as real waves do, and flow and wash over me to release deep emotions in me. I felt a bit shaky, physically, in our asana practice I was off balance, slipping and shaking a lot. I actually feel like my emotions were doing something to my body, the teacher picked up on this, it was a big class! She approached me calmly and spoke to me about it, reassuring me that the deeper you go into yoga practice the more emotions you conjure up to the surface and that this was normal! We all want to be told we are normal...don't we! Am I normal though? I don't have another adult at home to go back to say have you ever felt this, have you ever felt that?? whats wrong with me?? Reassure me?? Contain me and my ever evolving, erratic, impermanent emotions!

During meditation, apart from trying to wiggle my foot out from under me as I was in agony with pins and needles and thinking "when is the 20 minutes up?", I started to appreciate the emotions I was feeling during the afternoon and release them, slowly. I then lost my Yoga Nidra virginity and this was something that truly helped me to release the tension in my body and mind. It was guided and when asked to visualise an intention, for me it was seeing myself teaching in a similar way to my yoga teacher today. I want to help others, and my visualisation saw me helping pregnant women, this was something I had been looking into in the last couple of weeks! I hope this comes true, I really hope it does. My body, mind and spirit want it but my logical brain screams "YOU HAVE NO MONEY"!

Who wants to fund my yoga teacher training? Anyone? Nope?

Silence!!

What if I say pretty please with a cherry on the top??

Still No?

Rachel Rose.x

Day 10 - Sun

I'm stuck now, why did I agree to this challenge from Kale and Cigarettes. I am not a writer, never have been. I mean I can write a poem or two now and again, but daily writing....what the hell did I sign up to this for. I don't even reach the 500 words everyday...Fuck!

It will just be boring to write about my day, saying that, its been a pretty good day. The sun came out (It's Scotland...need I say more.) and it always seems to make the day a little better, makes it feel less heavy. Rain and black clouds are heavy, really heavy when that is all you have seen for almost 8 months.....why do I live in Scotland again? For the sun of course d'uh! (I often swim in sarcasm just to keep it topped up).

 But the sun, that is a whole other feeling. Light...as in light as a feather, fresh and things look more blue, green, warm, blooming.....even nature is overwhelmed with gratitude when the sun is out. Yellow is the colour of optimism, it can stimulate the mind and spark creative ideas, I often find this. I am more creative and productive when the sun is out. I want to be outside, walking, running or just sitting somewhere with my eyes closed and feeling the heat on my skin....the beach is the best when I am not in this country. 6 weeks and I will be on a plane....to a beach...the countdown is on! Its been on for a while now.

 Back to my day...really....is this all I have to write about, why can't I write something profound, witty and with intention. Maybe I do have a little intention, I mean I sat down and intended to write. I am lacking inspiration today.....the sun is out. I want to go outside and not be writing but I also want to write it right now so I can stop thinking about it, tick it off the to do list for the day. Let the thought of it float away and not come back...until tomorrow and the 19 days after that! Positive thought...once the 19 days are over I get to countdown in days, minutes...seconds (I went too far....right??) how long it will be until I land in sunshine....the real sun, you know the one where no clouds exist round it, or getting in the way of it. Scotland comes with clouds, its a given...its when there is only one cloud in the sky, not even hot sun, just sun, the Scottish feel the need to strip down to short shorts and bikinis to then complain its too hot....well....those are the ones that have not experienced the real sun, the sun close to the equator, the sun that has magic powers that help you drift in and out of thoughts more easily, that allow you to float into daydreaming, especially if you have the sound of the waves tumbling in and out. That's the sound of calm for me, that's what I crave and I crave it often. I get a high from the sun, a happy buzz, I want to do cartwheels and go on adventures, eat ice cream, experiment in my photography and eagerly anticipate how spectacular the sunset will be. 

 After my brief piece yesterday about my depression over the years I truly believe I have seasonal affective disorder. I can actually feel the sadness eroding me in early November of every year, I get really sad at that time of the year, cry a lot...cry even more when I think I am crying for no reason, pull out the warm hoodies and put the heating on for the winter. Waking up in the dark, going to work in the dark, coming home from work in the dark....its darkness...all darkness. The darkness makes me ill, in mind, body and spirit. Maybe its all of this that has attacked my physical health recently, I know they are all connected and being in a state of chaos is not helping....deep breath, keep it slow. Its time to find balance. It's May and we are all still waiting on the sun, its actually the main topic of conversation for people in this part of the world, we all have the same wish...The Sun! Well.....we have it today and I feel grateful for it...on my day off too.

  Lets get out the darkness. The Sun. I love it. I yearn for it and actually need it in my life. I connect with it in some way. It sprinkles magic on the earth for all to prosper....yellow is also the colour of prosperity, because it is the closest primary colour to gold. (Yeah... there is a swimming pool to swim in full of useless knowledge too!)

My day, who cares about that really....no one ever asks me how my day is anyway. The sun is out, its time to take the boy on a long walk in grateful nature and ease my thoughts and wait to be sun stoned.....or just a little from, you know, the Scottish sun. I hold out for the sun of this summer in a beautiful place and hopefully surrounded by beautiful people....the ones who don't need to ask me about my day because they are part of it, walking beside me in the light.

Rachel Rose.x

Day 9 - Broken wings.

Pinterest

I found the above  portrait while trying to feel inspired to write.....Like, actually been sitting here for an hour...what do I write today, what do I write...wait, I better cook dinner.......the boy shouting "Can I play outside"......Maybe I better actually put some washing in....since, you know as a parent you don't get a full two days off, one day ill is long enough (Just like this sentence)...oh look at that on pinterest, ill just scroll a little more....and where will today take me and what thoughts will arise and come out of me. I feel like if you force it, it isn't going to work...is it! And you can breathe now!

Anyway,...derailed there (Just like this life of mine!)...what was I saying?? Yeah the portrait, a young photographer, Christian Hopkins, takes self portraits to cope with depression. I have scrolled through some of these photographs. Some of which are a little disturbing yet entirely intriguing. I think that they not only help him to cope with depression but depict it in a devastatingly beautiful way. The photos display the loneliness of mental health issues, even of being tired in life and unable to comprehend feelings with words. These self-portraits will certainly relate to a lot of people, I can relate to every single one. I do spend a lot of time trying to communicate my feelings with words but just can't do it, he has justified that we don't need to express ourselves with just words, we can use any outlet we need, anything we require at that moment in time.

I personally find myself connecting with the above image deeply, it represents that feeling of broken wings, of feeling trapped and alone. That there is no means of escape, no means of a new journey freely and actively. That our wings don't work anymore. When in times of deep depression it can rob the notion that you can be set free, no notion of moving forward with just positive thoughts...are positive thoughts just overrated anyway? From reading all the other challengees (Not a word!!...but you get it, right??) 500 words a day, we are all suffering in some way, we all want to purge the negative, get it all out. Do we always have to find the bright side? ......Eventually, hopefully, still in blind faith.

Lets just wallow at the dark side for a while, do you want to know why? Because when you step out into the light again, its so much brighter than it was before. You have to have lived in the pitch black of the darkest deepest hole to truly appreciate the light. It might blind you to start with but eventually your eyes adjust and it all becomes a little clearer, makes you know and understand the power of the light. It makes you an empath, one who can walk beside another in the dark and shine a little light on them. I am derailed again......no reason or rhyme in my writing today, just purging.

Annnnywayy.....broken wings, I have had those, I know the feeling well. I currently feel this but not as intensely as a deep depression, which I have experienced on and off for half my life. I feel the trapped feeling, that I need an escapism but currently no way of becoming unstuck....yet. Keep it slow and steady. This too shall pass.....still repeating when necassary. 

I have a thing for angels, my house is full of them and those who know me well enough buy them for me! I do hope there is a guardian angel shining a light on me......for those times I tumble down the deep dark hole of depression, anxiety, panic and whatever feelings cause me to stumble and fall. 

Shine a light and put my wings back together.

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/christian-hopkins-photography

Go check out the photos for yourself.....which one jumps out at you?

Rachel Rose.x