I'm stuck now, why did I agree to this challenge from Kale and Cigarettes. I am not a writer, never have been. I mean I can write a poem or two now and again, but daily writing....what the hell did I sign up to this for. I don't even reach the 500 words everyday...Fuck!
It will just be boring to write about my day, saying that, its been a pretty good day. The sun came out (It's Scotland...need I say more.) and it always seems to make the day a little better, makes it feel less heavy. Rain and black clouds are heavy, really heavy when that is all you have seen for almost 8 months.....why do I live in Scotland again? For the sun of course d'uh! (I often swim in sarcasm just to keep it topped up).
But the sun, that is a whole other feeling. Light...as in light as a feather, fresh and things look more blue, green, warm, blooming.....even nature is overwhelmed with gratitude when the sun is out. Yellow is the colour of optimism, it can stimulate the mind and spark creative ideas, I often find this. I am more creative and productive when the sun is out. I want to be outside, walking, running or just sitting somewhere with my eyes closed and feeling the heat on my skin....the beach is the best when I am not in this country. 6 weeks and I will be on a plane....to a beach...the countdown is on! Its been on for a while now.
Back to my day...really....is this all I have to write about, why can't I write something profound, witty and with intention. Maybe I do have a little intention, I mean I sat down and intended to write. I am lacking inspiration today.....the sun is out. I want to go outside and not be writing but I also want to write it right now so I can stop thinking about it, tick it off the to do list for the day. Let the thought of it float away and not come back...until tomorrow and the 19 days after that! Positive thought...once the 19 days are over I get to countdown in days, minutes...seconds (I went too far....right??) how long it will be until I land in sunshine....the real sun, you know the one where no clouds exist round it, or getting in the way of it. Scotland comes with clouds, its a given...its when there is only one cloud in the sky, not even hot sun, just sun, the Scottish feel the need to strip down to short shorts and bikinis to then complain its too hot....well....those are the ones that have not experienced the real sun, the sun close to the equator, the sun that has magic powers that help you drift in and out of thoughts more easily, that allow you to float into daydreaming, especially if you have the sound of the waves tumbling in and out. That's the sound of calm for me, that's what I crave and I crave it often. I get a high from the sun, a happy buzz, I want to do cartwheels and go on adventures, eat ice cream, experiment in my photography and eagerly anticipate how spectacular the sunset will be.
After my brief piece yesterday about my depression over the years I truly believe I have seasonal affective disorder. I can actually feel the sadness eroding me in early November of every year, I get really sad at that time of the year, cry a lot...cry even more when I think I am crying for no reason, pull out the warm hoodies and put the heating on for the winter. Waking up in the dark, going to work in the dark, coming home from work in the dark....its darkness...all darkness. The darkness makes me ill, in mind, body and spirit. Maybe its all of this that has attacked my physical health recently, I know they are all connected and being in a state of chaos is not helping....deep breath, keep it slow. Its time to find balance. It's May and we are all still waiting on the sun, its actually the main topic of conversation for people in this part of the world, we all have the same wish...The Sun! Well.....we have it today and I feel grateful for it...on my day off too.
Lets get out the darkness. The Sun. I love it. I yearn for it and actually need it in my life. I connect with it in some way. It sprinkles magic on the earth for all to prosper....yellow is also the colour of prosperity, because it is the closest primary colour to gold. (Yeah... there is a swimming pool to swim in full of useless knowledge too!)
My day, who cares about that really....no one ever asks me how my day is anyway. The sun is out, its time to take the boy on a long walk in grateful nature and ease my thoughts and wait to be sun stoned.....or just a little from, you know, the Scottish sun. I hold out for the sun of this summer in a beautiful place and hopefully surrounded by beautiful people....the ones who don't need to ask me about my day because they are part of it, walking beside me in the light.
Rachel Rose.x
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