Monday, 29 June 2015


Abandoned has been my blog, funny how it is so difficult to write when you do not feel you "need" to.

Ive been feeling up and down, even just in the space of 24 hours. This is my rollercoaster year, this will pass. I feel low, energetically, I convince myself that summer will bring energy. No such luck, I feel drained. My eyes are heavy and so is my body.

There have been too many full days, days without gaps, no time to eat or sleep. I have drained myself physically and forgotten to connect emotionally. I am so stupid, I didn't slow down, I stayed in the fast lane and can feel the burnout now.

It is so important to have a break, take this slowly and to take time to do nothing, do what makes the soul happy and be at peace with the present moment.

I am writing, I am not going to do anything this evening apart from relax, connect, bring myself back to a better state of wellbeing.

Do the same if you need to.

Rachel Rose.x

Friday, 19 June 2015

A reminder.

I loaded up my laptop...out of habit to write my 500 words. Does that mean this is now a habit?

I did not even doubt it or hesitate or think "Oh I cant be bothered"...I just did it without thinking.
Maybe I could do another 30 days....who knows.

I volunteer at the moment on a fortnightly basis with a charity called visibility, who work with people who have visual and hearing problems and need some support and assistance. I was partnered up with a lovely lady who is having trouble with her vision, she has macular degeneration, which means as time goes on her vision becomes worse. My volunteer coordinator paired us up because she has a sister who lives in South Africa.

She could not have made a more perfect match. I visit for a couple of hours on a Friday morning and we get a taxi to various places, it is exciting for her to get out and about, to be given some freedom again. She has a very similar, sarcastic sense of humour and this is what reminds me that as we get older it is important to laugh, to have fun and always find the bright side of things....yeah I know... It does not seem like I do but I try and this women is my reminder of that.

She has difficulty with walking and needs to use a walker, something she now requires due to both her vision and physical challenges but what always surprises me is how she adapts, how she overcomes her hurdles and barriers. It is quite amazing to watch someone who is going blind, its like all their other senses take over, no questions asked, they just show up and do what needs to be done. An example today was in a homeware shop we were looking at pictures for her bedroom, at first she was slightly frustrated that she could not see but then as she stopped, got her balance and focused on the task at hand she began to move her finger over the pictures, using touch to feel the size and texture of the picture. She could describe what the picture was by her limited sight but mostly from how it felt. 

Adaptability and sense of humour seem to be the two things that can get us through almost anything. We probably use these traits more than we think on a daily basis as life changes and evolves, taking us from one situation to the next as smoothly as transitions can be. This is intrinsic human nature, to make things easier for ourselves.

I enjoy this role as a volunteer, I find it comes naturally to me. I like to help others, even if it is in such a small way. I find that when you are volunteering people appreciate you more, they know that what you are doing for them is from your heart and not from a monetary payment at the end of the month. It is from my heart and I really look forward to the Friday's when I know I will get to spend time with this lovely woman who is growing old gracefully and peacefully with knowledge and wisdom; and most of all, a good sense of humour.

I hope one day, when I am growing older, that someone will be kind enough to give me the pleasure of their company when I need it.

Rachel Rose.x

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Day 30 - Contradiction

I have been writing for 30 me.....the non writer....has been writing for 30 days. 

I did not fail at the last hurdle, I kept going and really feel this is a small accomplishment for me. I am still not a writer, I know that. I write simply, and for all that I have a great sense of humour it seems to have been drifting out at sea for the last 30 days as I have been dealing with the more serious side of me. I'm getting ready to be more free in my self expression. I do want to write more, maybe even develop a style of writing that suits me. I know now that I should not force it, I should let myself let it flow out of me and not ponder too much about it, not force it.

I know that I do not often have a clever way of wording things, I find this in real life too. I have all my intelligence and knowledge stored up in my head and then have such a difficulty in expressing it verbally, I stumble over my speech, become anxious, lose all train of thought half way through a sentence. I want to be able to self express more "expressively"...does that even make sense? See what I mean? I know in my head what I want to say but I find it so hard to get it out in a cohesive manner. I truly believe that people must think I am stupid, or ditsy. I wish I could express what is going on in my head, with both my knowledge, ideas and also my feelings and emotions.

I read this in Elaine Aron's book recently about Highly Sensitive People (I am one of those....this book proves it). She states that those who are highly sensitive cannot perform under pressure, can often stutter and have problems with expression and expressive language...that's me. I often found in my previous job role (social work) that I could, with plenty of time and preparation, write a great report but then it came to the meeting which involved that report I would really struggle to express what I wrote. I would resort to simple language, stuttering, even anxiety would cause the words to blur if I looked at my report. It is something I am acutely aware of but have no control over. 

It is crazy that I now work in a speech and language therapy department when I have such issues with my own communication. In my life I have also been a selective mute and can still go in so deep with my emotions that simple verbal communication is impossible for me. I go days without talking, physically unable to.

I want to work on this more, and maybe my blog is a place to start. Going back to my first posts in this challenge I realise that I am letting go of my need to be grammatically correct all the time and to write what I know and what is in my heart at the time, I know this because when I start to type I just keep typing, this must be what is in my heart and it is just pouring out onto the page in front of me releasing what it needs to for that day and letting it go somehow. Sending it out into the universe to float out there instead of clogging up my body with stiffness, aches and pains. As I have said previously, writing is helping me to feel a little lighter. 

I hope to overcome this cycle I am in, not necessarily of depression, of seriousness, but of growing, changing and learning more and more about myself. To bring back my sense of humour, sarcasm and wit. It seems that is a part of me that did not shine over the last 30 days but it is in there, deep down under the dust settled from the mercury retrograde and cycles of the moon. It is time to brush away the dust and let it disperse to find some shine, some sparkle down there and to let it glimmer for others to see, maybe enough to find a partner in my life, something I yearn for.

 That could be what I hope for in 3 years (a prompt I have noticed in posts today)..I hope for a partner, someone to be part of this little family and to be my best friend...for life. I hope to be following my passions, exploring my purpose and be brave, really brave to pursue them regardless of where that is in the world and raising a happy resilient child who will grow into a gentleman, with an essence of old school chivalry the world seems to be missing right now. I want to be more sure of myself, more in touch with what is at the core of me and of what my soul desires. 

So here is a good contradiction for you.....I just wrote a few hundred words, communicated, self expressed about how bad I am at doing all those things!

Piss off self doubt.

Thanks to inspiration from a blog by Kirk Henlser I decided to take the 500 words per day for 30 days challenge.
The rules for the challenge were as follows (as written on the blog) –
“1) Write 500 words per day on any subject for any reason at any time for 30 CONSECUTIVE days.

(Failure to write 500 words per day for 30 straight days won’t cause you any bodily harm in the way of our bodyguards coming to your house and going after you with the belt strap but it will emotionally confirm your own fears of your inability to follow through on the simplest of tasks so my suggestion is to suck it up and even if you have to hit the “f” key 500 times and post that and call it a poem on the foundation for the word fuck then do that before you no-show).
2) Post your 500 words on Facebook and tag @kaleandcigarettes and #500wordsaday.
(This is the scary part, sharing your writing, because a lot of us, if not all, think that we actually quite suck at writing and that people will hate our guts for our thoughts but the reality here, and the whole value of this experiment, is working through that fear and realizing the only time we’re ever happy with our work is when we write from the heart). ((Pss – this takes practice. No shortcuts. Just the work)). -End scene-
Numero Tres) Maybe we’ll have a “group” on FB. I’m not sure yet the consequences of this action. Standby.
Long story short – this is really easy. And what will happen is the development of your writing craft and your ability to decipher the difference between bullshit writing and writing from the heart.” Kirk Hensler.
And I did it!

Rachel Rose.x

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Day 29 - Fear

The penultimate post, I honestly wish I had something substantial to say. Something that I can look back on and be proud of.
I am unsure if I can do that, I have discovered through writing for the last month that I am very unsure about a lot of things in my life right now. Although, I have discovered I quite like writing, I feel emptier at the end of the day, I sleep a little better having purged what I can for that day.
Or is it just me that is unsure, an incapacity to find a steady foothold. I am still in a questioning stage, why? How? When? Why? Why? Why?
I hope to work through my questions and somehow figure out the answers I seek.
Let’s start...why not? Got to start somewhere...right?
I had read a blog post on elephant journal which was questions to ask yourself, so I wrote them out in my expansive notebooks full of lists, notes, quotes and randomness from my mind.
Why am I doing this?
In terms of my job, which I am at right now, I honestly do not know, the age old answer of paying my bills is such a ridiculous thing to say when in my mind and in my dreams I have so much more. I have what might be called unlocked potential; the real problem is that it seems to be unlocked to me too. I need to learn to unlock my own potential and come to terms with the barriers I need to break down and the hurdles I need to jump over and truly find my purpose, surely I can do that or is fear in my way......leading onto;
Is my fear limiting me?
Yes, a big fat yes. I am fearful of the consequences, I am fearful of being flat out broke and not being able to raise my child with next to no income. I fear the law, the Scottish law prohibits me from leaving the country with my child for more than 4 weeks at a time (I am leaving the country for 5 weeks this summer........sssshhhhh do not tell anyone!). If I did not fear this law my dreams of travel, of living elsewhere, of being given the chance to explore and eventually find where I belong then I would up and leave.(But would fear then stop me?!). I fear what people think of me, that I am a reckless parent for taking my child out of school and “gallivanting” round the world. I fear that I would have no support; actually I fear that lack of support for me will continue. I fear leaving my home, although I like to roam and see new places but I do love to come home again. I am fearful of always being alone.
Not only does fear limit me but so do the barriers I place in front of me, it is so stupid, and why would I want to limit myself.  I fear I have no self belief, and I think that is one of the requirements to achieving your dreams. But, I do also believe that people need people, the support of others is what can give you that boost and right now, I do not have that, right now I am only left with my fears and debilitating lack of self belief. 

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear" Jane Canfield.

Shite! (Kirk.....Scottish Accent!)
This too shall pass......even on Day 29 this is still repeated when necessary.

In the hope of feeling better I came home from work and read my Jyotish horoscope - 

"Gains come from writing, communication and self expression. How are you sharing and showing up in the process? Retreats and away time will help you make new relationships and career connections. Invite in the flow, the abundance and wealth. Heal from the heart and let your heart be healed simultaneously , This is a vital resource in order for you to be more nourished and vital. Be sure to balance you giving and receiving so you don't burn out. Ask for support in new ways and see who shows up to help you grow and expand your career and dharma."
 (Elephant Journal)

I feel better, I may have to keep writing, communicating and self expressing! I am asking for support.....please!!...pretty please with a cherry on the top.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Day 28 - You and me....Food.

My mind is wandering today, not the clear cut thoughts that I require to function enough to get through my day. I am hazy, had a headache last night that has continued throughout the night and is still lingering.
I am trying to eat less sugar, chocoaholic is next to my name in the dictionary. Maybe it is a withdrawal headache....after less than 24hours, it could be. Or is it in my mind. This relationship needs to change, you and We have never been on good terms have we?
I have been told that my parents were really worried about me when I was about 2 because I would not eat anything except from toast, this is a long standing issue I have had and it has only deteriorated as time has went on. I wish I knew where the issue came from, I wish I could write it down, be clear about it, address it and put something in place to improve it.
To tell the truth, my absolute truth, if I try I become very ill. If I think about what I should do to improve my eating and try it I fail, miserably. I tried to detox with juicing...ending up with a chocolate binge and a whole bucket full of guilt and tears all rolling down the edges until it was full as well as my stomach. I have tried to plan all my meals in advance and write them all out with recipes and did the whole food shopping with a list thing, after two days I could do nothing but think about food, another binge, and another bucket full of guilt.  I have been to psychology and a dietician as a teenager, they just patronised me in a ridiculous manner of weekly diet plans. I did not want to be on a “diet” when all I would hear is how terribly thin I was. They needed to look into my psychosocial needs, not the biomedical side of things. (Learned from my recent psychology course!)
Others do not have tact when talking to someone who has a strained detachment to food, they do not get it. They enjoy their food too much. They see the person struggling needing to be “thin/skinny”.  The more people bring it up the worse it makes me feel, I wish they would not do that, but hey that’s humans. I truly wish I could explain it in better words than I am, some things I cannot describe, some things I just am, I just feel.
It was not about appearance, never, it is still not about that. My dysfunctional relationship with food is something far more than that, runs a lot deeper into my core, through my soul and pours out in bowls of melted chocolate and salted tears.
I read about food all the time, I am trying not to, I am trying to know myself enough to know that the most important thing I can do is just eat, eat when I am hungry and try very hard to make good choices. As the saying goes “everything in moderation”, I still have chocolate but just not every day. I make sure to juice my veg when my stomach can cope with it; I make a smoothie with all the superfoods as a placebo to my mind’s thinking of what a healthy body should be. I eat slowly, mindfully and have come to an understanding that food is to be enjoyed and it is there to nourish my body.  The only knowledge I really need is of what my body is telling me, my body knows what it needs and I am listening carefully, yoga has brought this acute awareness to my body I have never felt before. I want to feel good, I want to feel health and I actually quite like a green juice now, my body is craving health.....but......I need a sugar hit.

Thats all I know for today in my wandering mind.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Monday, 15 June 2015

Day 27 - Parallel Rivers

Well this morning, on my only day off this week, I thought I would be extremely productive.....em.....I kind of just read everyone's posts on the facebook page. Everyone's posts are so inspiring, honest, raw and truths...we are all expressing our truths. I feel glad I am part of this group...even though I think I am the only an ocean away from everyone else!

I connect to every post in some way, things resonate with me deeply and on different levels. I read Kaitlin's post about the glorification of busy, I agree with this and it can hurt me when I am told that people are too busy to spend time with me, to talk to me or to even take a minute out of their "busy" day to sent a quick message. I never use this statement, I am never too busy for anyone, I would drop anything for those I love.

 This has ended one of my longest friendships recently, a deep close friendship I thought would never end. This person was my friend in high school and this friendship developed more when we worked together in our late teens, we then went through the stage of nights out, drinking, men....then came the hard times, the heartbreaks, the dramas of other friendships coming and going, my mental health issues, domestic violence and my pregnancy. We were, at some point, soul sisters.

We were at a wedding together last year (you know when your are single for so long that they don't even write plus one on the invitation they just know that your female best friend will be with you!!) and we met another two girls who were BFF's, we shared a table, drinks and laughter. The conversation turned to our friendships and we discovered it was 14 years long with barely an argument or harsh word ever muttered.

Things changed quickly after that, she became too "busy", always busy with work, with her new boyfriend...who treats her so badly....always some other drama with another friend or family member. On birthdays and Christmas' she was always the friend who made time to deliver presents, be part of the special day, help bake the cupcakes, no need to knock at the door type of friend.

 I feel sad that this friend is no longer in my life, it has not officially ended but we are drifting down parallel rivers waving to each other on occasion, genuine heartfelt smiles but neither of us changing direction to get closer again. I feel guilt, guilty for not pushing it and confronting the situation and going to speak to her, I feel that she is too "busy" to listen. I can see her 12 hour shifts as a manager at a coffee shop making her ill, mentally...physically then having to go home to a man who does not treat her like the princess she is and I did try...a little. I made sure that I made it very clear that I will always be there if she ever needs me, but I think she no longer needs me. I am a fading memory in her busy life.
I feel anger, a little. That she is missing out on the boy's life, the one she has played a big part in. She is called Auntie because after 14 years of friendship you are family, aren't you? 

I wish nothing but the best for her. I want her happy, healthy, loved and one day have her own children to a prince that is deserving of her love with true and strong friendships surrounding her, maybe even me again.

I seem to have a lot of "little" feelings about this situation, but my mind cannot fathom why these things happen. It is me not wanting to fully feel all the hurt, yet. I need to, and I will at some point, I know that. We grew apart and I need to accept that and move forward. In this small town she was my only true friend, now I am friendless. 

Alone is maybe something I have to be, for now. To grow, to learn and to truly cherish the time when I do have people in my life who care and treasure me as I do them.

Rachel Rose.x

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Day 26 - Cheater

What to write what to write what to write!

I have had a really busy day working, I am tired but I worked hard for this fatigue and for the money. I actually made some money today, I face painted for 4.5 hours, no break, and I made more in that time than I do at my "real job" in a whole week. I loved every minute of it. I know I love it. I love it because even though I have a seriously sore back....craving yoga......and feel so very tired I would still get up an do it again tomorrow. When I get the compliments all I can say is "It's because I love it".

It is a part of my creative side and I get to do that nearly every weekend, it is therapeutic for me. I can become quite serious looking when I am concentrating, as you can see, but I just zone out and go into a little world of my own, I am not often aware of the queue getting longer and longer.

It is such a nice little weekends quench my creative soul!

Thats all I have, yoga and bed for me!!

Maybe my photos can speak another 200 words for mind is screaming "Cheater.....Cheater....Cheater"!!! I am too tired to care mind.

Rachel Rose.x

Saturday, 13 June 2015

Day 25 - I have Joy.

(Isn't he handsome!)

Has 25 days passed since I started this, wow that means only 5 days left. I feel quite proud I have managed to keep going.

After my "feel sorry for me" post yesterday I practiced yoga for a couple of hours, meditated and went to bed early and read. I know now that my mind is slowly clearing as I can read again, and not just read the words while thinking about other things but can become engrossed in the story. I am glad, and grateful for this as reading is something I need in my life, it is my escapism from reality. Reading The Island by Michael Stark just is so good!

Anyway, I feel a bit better today, started to relax more. I feel like my writing seems very somber and serious when in fact my day to day life is more fun than it seems. I have time everyday for laughter, sarcasm, quick wittedness, dancing and being silly. I have joy.

I often find that I am quite a cool young (I am still young...honest) Mum. Today when food shopping I bought water guns and water balloons. The children in the street and the boy were so happy when the water guns came out with a tub full of water for refills. Then came a big bowl full of water balloons filled to nearly bursting, I love the noise of squeals of excitement and laughter.  Avoidance of housework always equals more fun and quality time with children. They are delightful, most of the time.

Every couple of weeks we attend a children's group called peacemakers, it is part of the baha'i faith with reference to the religion throughout. Even though we do not practice this religion we are still welcomed with open and loving arms. The leader of this group is so gentle and patient, I have a real connection to people like that and she helps me to strive for peace and calm, especially in a room full of noisy children.  The theme today for the group was joy, and discussion takes place amongst the children about this. They surprise me everytime with their knowledge and perspective of the world around them. My boy is very shy, introverted (Eh...haven't got a clue where he gets that from!!) but in peacemakers he is engaged and speaks out in the group. He knows and understands the topics and he too, strives for good and unity in the world. It is a pleasure to watch him be part of such a special group. We have stories, colouring, games and singing. I love this little group, and so does he. I am glad that as a parent I know and understand the importance of quality time with my child, no phone, no interruptions, just enjoying time with him. This is what brings me joy, so much of it. And I get to have him in my life everyday, I am so lucky. 

The quote from the group today was "O' Son of Man rejoice in the gladness of thine heart, that thou may be worthy to meet me and to mirror forth my beauty" I really like that.

Rachel Rose.x

The Bahá'í Faith (Persianبهائیت‎ Bahá'iyyatArabicبهائية‎ Bahá'iyya /bəˈh/[note 1]) is a monotheistic religion which emphasizes the spiritual unity of all humankind

Friday, 12 June 2015

Day 23/24 - Searching for connection.

(On our walk last night. Dumfries, Scotland.)

Yesterday I could not write for some reason, I was blocked. A little disheartened maybe from lack of connection to other humans, having written my Day 22 post and put so much thought into it and I got absolutely no feedback, I had a day of "what's the point?" I am no good, I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends anymore...I have to accept that it is just me and the boy on our own up against the world, it's a harsh world.  What a contradiction too...after the statement of letting go of the ego, sometimes us humans have a real struggle with our ego, it is always there niggling away at us, the voice over one shoulder saying no one liked your post are rubbish, not worthy, you will never fit in. The vicious vindictive nasty negative thinking takes over and the doubts settle over you like a dark rain cloud that follows you round all day taunting and teasing. I wanted to write something that would open up discussion and help me to connect, in some cases re connect but maybe that door is well and truly closed for good. It seems that door slams in my face quite often in life, just because I  am a little different, uniquely human but still....different.

 I got the boy from school yesterday afternoon, got him changed and out of the house we had to go. I needed out, to escape for a while into the sunshine, playing blind to the dark cloud following above....It didn't rain though. The sun got brighter as did my thoughts. I made a conscious effort to look around me and be specific about picking out all the positive and try to dissipate the negative thinking, the blackness of it, the toxicness of it. I looked at the boy, who, for some reason, appreciates escaping just as much as me. 

We went to a restaurant for dinner with an outdoor area, we sat at a beautiful spot near the water with the sun shining down upon us and the boy, well he just looked so handsome in his cap and sunglasses. He had been mid tantrum when I said lets get out in the sun and now, at the table outside, he had calmed down and sat happy in nature enjoying the sun and surroundings just as much as me, The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

We both enjoyed eating, I tried something new and loved it. I don't drink alcohol very often but tonight I decided to and I could just feel myself relaxing and slowing down, not being so harsh on myself. Ice cream....of course that made us both smile. After, as I drank slowly, the boy climbed on the climbing frame, ran round the grass and climbed on the walls...who needs toys or technology!?!

Then a walk, a really long slow walk, mind drifting, feeling the heat on my skin and a light breeze floating in and out, enjoying all the colours of the world. I was grounding again, it is just what I needed and it took for me to actually do that to realise it was that I really needed. I had a little human and a little nature to connect with and I am so grateful I have those two things. I live in a beautiful part of the world and when black clouds appear in my life I should step outside and seek connection to nature so that I can become more grounded and remember the beauty of this place.

When I got home and the interwebs, there was a quote about mercury going direct on this day and I had questioned this on my walk. Having forgot the date in my chaotic frantic mind of mine but as the day went on I felt different, like everything felt just a little lighter, I was carrying less on my shoulders and my thoughts slowed. 

I seem to get stuck in the depths of negative thinking, especially about myself, is this the reason I am so alone in the world? But then how do I get out of it when I have no one in my life to receive the containment and reciprocity that I need? The care that I need? The understanding, and if not understanding just someone to be there for me?

I can see my own growth though, previously, in my 20's I would have continued the negative thinking to the point of punishment, I would have to punish myself for the things going on in my life, thinking back it was all so dramatic too. I took it too far with the punishment of self and would place all blame on me for the way things were or the way I was. I have my scars for that time in my life.

Now, in my 30's, I realise how important self care is and that I need to be gentle on myself. To take care of me when it is needed. I am who I am, and it is really hard work and so draining to try to fit in all the time, to be someone who I am not. I have acceptance. I have patience. I am a fragile human, just like us all, searching for a connection.

I leave in four weeks to spend the summer in another country with a family and as volunteers I hope that we meet other like minded people to spend time with. People who I can connect with and make some good memories with, and find perspective and grounding. It is what I need, for me, right now. I will have to step out of my comfort zone to hopefully find what I am looking for....because it is not knocking on my door, thats for sure.

Rachel Rose.x

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Day 22 - Human

(My boy in South Africa 2013, with Takunda)
What it means to be human is alive, blood flowing throughout our body, oxygen in and out our lungs, blinking, listening, tasting, moving, thinking, feeling, rationalising, viewing of the environment, people, animals...I could go on but being human is not as simple as listing all the things the body can, it is so much deeper than that.
The human claims intelligence over all living things yet can be contradicting, power hungry, incapacity to prevent, to prepare.  Humans are reactive, shocked by the outcomes of our own destruction of the earth, eg, eight million tons of plastic dumped in the ocean every year...we are clever and intelligent, drops in the ocean, why are we killing our earth like this. Humans treat others in accordance to race, minority group, age, religion, class...the list goes on. This post could be lists of lists of lists. In accordance to is what creates conflict in the world, and religion, well I am not even going to go there.  Humans today need to look at another and recognise that what is standing in front of them in another should be that simple. 


A crisis in the world gives us hope in “team humans” is then the need to treat another indecently is forgotten and a collective united mission unravels to help each other and to combine efforts in giving aid,support, compassion and love to others.
It is not simple though, humans are complicated beings, so complicated that it is so difficult to define what it means to be human.
 The Oxford dictionary states  “Human; 1. of or relating to mankind: human nature.”
 Every human on this earth would define being human in their own unique way due the differences in culture, upbringing...everything on the endless lists. 

Humaness is uniqueness.
I think being human is a raw state of being, one in which, we are ever changing, evolving, often revolving, understanding and accepting, and sometimes not, our fragility. Humans are such a small part of the universe, we are all so small. Our commonalities should be enough to unite us, we all live and we all die. We all grow and create to deliver our stories of who we are. Discovering our own paths, our own, often lonesome, journey's in the span of our lifetimes.  Emotions run pure and thick in us all whether we are fully aware of it or not. We all believe in something...or nothing.  Every human craves to connect, to another living being/s. Every human craves connection, between our heads and our hearts so that they can listen to each other with a tenderness that diminishes the need for judgement and doubt, clear understanding that we can bow our mind intelligence to our body intelligence and vice versa.
Development in our mind and body intelligence, and of course spiritually, we can acknowledge love, our fundamental need to be loved and to spread love. To see every other human around us as beautiful, worthy and just as raw as ourselves with the same need to connect and accept and give love.
The human ego is a trivial state, there is need to let go of the ego when it is saying I am better than you. When ego is banished we can see true worthiness in every human, an appreciation which stems from love, deep within our souls.
Our souls are the spark in us humans, that suppressed firework waiting to be lit, fired into the air and viewed in awe appreciated by others. We seek acceptance, but in our seeking we should be accepting, accepting of all that is human about humans.
Being human is a temporary wonderful state, look at your fellow humans today and know that they too are wonderful and uniquely beautiful just like you. They have their stories to share, so listen.

Listen carefully.
Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Day 21 - Creating a habit.

(Southerness beach, South West Scotland)

The Power in Expectation

How important are beliefs and expectations in determining what happens to us in life? They may be more important than you think.

Have you ever noticed that people who expect the best in life usually seem to get it? And have you noticed that the reverse also seems to be true? Do you think it happens that way due to coincidence or luck? Or is something else going on?

One of The Pacific Institute's core principles, solidly founded on cognitive research, is that we move toward and become like what we think about. We behave not in accordance with the truth, but with the truth as we perceive and believe it to be. So it follows that when you expect the best from yourself and others, you behave in ways that almost guarantee you are going to get it.

The same is true when you expect trouble. You set yourself up for trouble in countless little and not so little ways and sure enough, trouble shows up at your door. What do you expect for yourself? Do you expect to do the things you dream about, or do you expect obstacles, opposition and eventual disappointment?

If you consistently and lovingly give your children a better, much more positive expectation, they are far more likely to go out and make it happen. And the best part? Once it's a habit, it is repeated throughout their lives.

I receive daily emails from the pacific institute, which is a training course I took part in over the last two years. I love getting these emails, and today's.....what an excellent prompt for writing.
Beliefs and expectations are important and maybe this is my downfall, my doubts, probably just plain excuses, stop me from believing I can do something. On the hand, when I set my mind to something I achieve it, eg. I am going travelling this year again, In January I decided this and by the end of January I had organised my summer. In my mind there is no stopping me until I have achieved that goal, and I stick to it, work hard and it pays off. In comparison this is a small follow through, its the bigger things that I struggle with and the doubts kick in and overwhelms me. I trip over the first hurdle, arms flailing, bruised knees (em....ego!) and left red faced walking shamefully away with my tail between my legs...I am not sure why my determination fails me then, when I need to get back up strong, brush off my "knees" and kick over the damn hurdle and head for the finish line.
I had mentioned coincidences yesterday in my post and it has come up again, I do believe in them and know that there is something, maybe magical, in them. Coincidences are little angels just giving you a nudge from one thing to another, they shut a door but open a window of opportunity just when you need it. I questioned yesterday whether I should sit and wait my fate or do something about it, maybe sitting and waiting is not enough but keeping my eyes and ears open for future projects and not miss out on opportunities presented to me is at least doing something. I don't want to push too much, just enough to keep moving and evolving, always learning and gaining experience and knowledge. As for luck, a little of that always helps too! As for something else...I believe more and more everyday that there is the power of the universe guiding and, like the angels, nudging, giving subtle signs but, as I said, I need to be aware and observant to what the signs mean and how they can guide me to my purpose...purposes!

Expecting obstacles...thats me! I need to change my view of how high those obstacles are I guess, look at them from a different angle and maybe with a different goal, cut down the goal into more sizable steps, that's what they say isn't it. That surely makes the obstacles less likely to seem so daunting, less likely to bruise my "knees" on the way down so I can get back up and try again. This may help my perfectionistic, introverted, highly sensitive personality the capacity to undergo the mighty task of truly living the dreams I dream. Will that alleviate the eventual disappointment? I hope so.

"we move toward and become like what we think about.", Think more positive thoughts, I can do this, I can do this...This too shall pass...even 21 days in I am repeating when necessary.

I try very hard to provide positive expectation of the boy because as an adult I know how it feels to be trapped in negative thinking and it is a difficult vicious cycle to get out of. I can get trapped for weeks and months at a time in self doubt, depression and anxiety.

I ask him every night to tell me three good things about his day, and it not only makes it a habit for him, but it probably helps me more, more than he will ever know.

I should write down three good things about my day every night will then become my habit. Positive expectation.

1. The sun was out today.
2. I drank fresh green juice, it tasted so good and it made me feel so good!
3. I have the most handsome intelligent boy.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Monday, 8 June 2015

Day 20 - I am seeking a sign.

(own photo)

I am stuck on what to write now, really stuck, Even googled writing prompts...stupid idea. I have been thinking a lot lately about what to do with my life and trying to "find my purpose"...seems a common theme over the last few months with those around me and in general. I had read an article on Elephant journal....probably one of the many in regards to the mercury retrograde...and I always read the profile of the writer and she said that she is multi careered....Maybe that is actually me. I have too many things going on to just focus on the one thing, I was face painting on Saturday for 11 hours straight and I loved every minute of it, but I loved it because it was not an every day situation and would the passion for it wear thin if it was something I did have to do every day. I wish there was someway to combine all my creativities into one path and put my red high heels on and start strolling down the smooth yellow brick road...although the yellow brick road leads to many obstacles and the reality and truths, not so good truths. So this can't be the path I need to walk down, I am not Dorothy, but another. I am standing at a crossroad...only in my mind a crossroad has three choices and your past....I am at the centre of, at least, 6 roads so that makes things more complicated.
I do know the only way I cannot go is back, I also can only choose one path but which one? I doubt my bravery...daily. I would love to "quit my job and do what I love". I don't know what I love anymore, I don't know what my heart is telling me, I just don't's that simple.
I am not sure if that is an okay state of mind or not, should I just accept for now that this is how I feel? what can I do to find my passion and follow through on that? How do I find what I love, do it and still be a responsible parent? 
 I rarely get perspective on topics like this in my life due to spending so much time on my own, only having my own thoughts to compete with. 
 I do often think that coincidences happen for a reason though, like today, I had booked to go to the business gateway to speak to an advisor about setting up another business, I had my doubts last night, not sure if I have the motivation to push through and go ahead when I have no support behind me, I get a call at 9am to tell me that the advisor had to cancel as she was ill, no offer of rescheduling to another time. Is that a sign? a sign that it is not time to go through with that idea? Is the universe preventing one project because there is something else for me?
 Contradictions often piss me off too....on the one hand you should work really hard and push through every difficulty to achieve the best you can be, on the other you should slow down and your passion will find you when you are ready, what to do?
I can't spend my life in limbo....hopefully I am just hanging out here for a while!! Anyone want to hang out with me?

Universe, I am seeking a sign.

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.

Sunday, 7 June 2015

Day 18/19 - The Magic

I have been working all weekend so missed a day. I am exhausted with no inspiration so I am having a cheat day. This is a, very badly written, poem I wrote in 2007 after having spent nearly 4 months in South Africa for the first time. This poem reminds me how bad I am at writing (and how young I was then) but it holds a lot of truth in it that I still feel until this day and, if nothing else, it is good memories to always look back on and hold dear to for the rest of my life. South Africa truly is a magic land and I returned to live there for a short time in 2014 with the boy, I just had to take him and he loved it just as much, if not more, than me.

And the leap of faith was the world's highest bungee jump......Just saying!!!!

There is nothing like getting out of a cycle of depression than leaving the country and doing something new....on my way to Greece this summer! Acknowledging the cycle for now and on the countdown.

The Magic

I visited this place when I was young,
And I must tell you I was stunned,
This place, by the name of Capetown.
Turned my life around.

Where to begin this story of magic,
In some of the chapters it was tragic. I stepped on the plane,
I took a deep breath and held that lump in my throat,
But my destiny was to experience what I call magic.

Taking my first step in the land of Africa,
Was a feeling I would have to deal with after,
Because this place, it took my breath away.
And from that day on I just wanted to stay.

A month I had planned on,
But my dreams and destiny made the don,
That my place here, as I had craved,
was to make a child happy,
Even if for just one day.

Working is something I did,
To make those kids smile was my bid,
Not only in educating them.
But to warm their hearts.
And there were no kids sweeter I tell you.

And this place so beauitiful and all,
is the place you dare to fall,
Because the crime rate here,
 makes you feel a little fear.
Just wear your common sense cap.

That was the chapter of tragic
Now its time for the magic,
This next chapter to write,
Started in the early hours,
where us girls got such a fright.

The time on the clock was 4am.
And the rain had no intent on being tame.
Like a waterfall on our beds,
But a cup of tea and an uncomfortable bed,
Got us through our night of flooding and laughter.

The next day, a long one ahead,
And in the puddles we did tread.
To work at Vera School with Steve the man.
And that afternoon is where the magic began.

A friendship was in my fate.
And that friends, her name was Kate.
That day we had lunch and a chat,
We ate so many waffles,
We started to get fat.

That day we lay the grounds,
And a treasured friendship was sure to be formed.
Thus, it grew, in the forthcoming weeks.
With the gang called the Makulu family.
Where we encountered many a treasure and treat.

The magic surely continued when I met this chap,
This chap, he loved his bright blue cap.
A deep and meaningful understanding,
When I look straight into his eyes.

But this friendship will last forever,
If we both overcome the tries,
I do think that the magic will see us through.
And close friends we shall be.
Until the end of time.

We shared many a delightful moments,
Where laughter and fun was allowed,
These moment, keep in my mind

With stories to be recited.
On many occasions out loud,
I hope these friends will never forget me,
And all those special moments
We shared together.

And the place of magic I found,
Came in the form of Makulu Lodge, where,
I did lay me weary head.
In room 7 was my space.
I was the only to play beer pong,
and never swallow alcohol, not even a trace.

The fun, laughter and excitement
Was always in full flow,
And many adventures we did go,
This chapter, it is too short.
That I hardly know where to start.

These adventures, they involved...
So many bays, beaches and views.
Even on a cable car which revolved.
And when we invested in a car.
The Makulu family really did go far.

But my time had come to travel further afield.
Life changing experiences, I would yield.
To touch the animals, especially a snake.
Is where I had to be brave, but it was great.

Then on that last day away,
I had my fears surface and nerves all a fray,
but I took that leap, off the highest bridge.
Gladly my grace stopped me...
From falling in a heap.

On arrival back in my place I belonged.
For people to be proud, As I have always longed.
But that chap, yes the one with the bright blue cap.
Came to my rescue and said he was proud.
It made the magic glow inside.

And from that day on, We spent days as a pair.
It was the best two days, I swear.
This friendship found, is where.
Sparkles of magic formed.

Then these weeks, they passed.
I still can't believe they went so fast.
So therefore, Goodbye I had to say.
To these two treasured, that...
Entered my magic so long ago.

From that day, I felt they should stay.
And life at Makulu would never be the same.
But then I met this pair,
that would keep me sane!

They kept the magic alive,
Fun and adventure we would strive,
As only two weeks left was all we had.
But the laughter continued.
With help from that...
Funny gal and loveable lad.

The enchantments and dreams
Of trued friendship, can truly come alive
When time and fun are spent together,
And forever in my heart...
These friends will be remembered.

This trip, you know, it made my life flow.
I have tried in my chapters.
To  describe all this magic,
But words can do no justice.

So here I am, as I stand today.
In this place I call magic land.
Where things happened....
In all my life....
I could never have imagined.

A better person? Some might sday.
But as I go home my nerves will fray.
And depression will seduce me again.
If I have a wish everyday,
I would wish to stay.

But in all my hopes, this magic will follow me,
And may my depression be set free,
When I take the next plane,
Along with another ambition,
To my next destined faraway land.

(Rachel, 2007)

I am so tired, sorry for misspellings!

Rachel Rose.x

500 words a day challenge from Kale and Cigarettes.