Monday, 15 June 2015

Day 27 - Parallel Rivers

Well this morning, on my only day off this week, I thought I would be extremely productive.....em.....I kind of just read everyone's posts on the facebook page. Everyone's posts are so inspiring, honest, raw and truths...we are all expressing our truths. I feel glad I am part of this group...even though I think I am the only an ocean away from everyone else!

I connect to every post in some way, things resonate with me deeply and on different levels. I read Kaitlin's post about the glorification of busy, I agree with this and it can hurt me when I am told that people are too busy to spend time with me, to talk to me or to even take a minute out of their "busy" day to sent a quick message. I never use this statement, I am never too busy for anyone, I would drop anything for those I love.

 This has ended one of my longest friendships recently, a deep close friendship I thought would never end. This person was my friend in high school and this friendship developed more when we worked together in our late teens, we then went through the stage of nights out, drinking, men....then came the hard times, the heartbreaks, the dramas of other friendships coming and going, my mental health issues, domestic violence and my pregnancy. We were, at some point, soul sisters.

We were at a wedding together last year (you know when your are single for so long that they don't even write plus one on the invitation they just know that your female best friend will be with you!!) and we met another two girls who were BFF's, we shared a table, drinks and laughter. The conversation turned to our friendships and we discovered it was 14 years long with barely an argument or harsh word ever muttered.

Things changed quickly after that, she became too "busy", always busy with work, with her new boyfriend...who treats her so badly....always some other drama with another friend or family member. On birthdays and Christmas' she was always the friend who made time to deliver presents, be part of the special day, help bake the cupcakes, no need to knock at the door type of friend.

 I feel sad that this friend is no longer in my life, it has not officially ended but we are drifting down parallel rivers waving to each other on occasion, genuine heartfelt smiles but neither of us changing direction to get closer again. I feel guilt, guilty for not pushing it and confronting the situation and going to speak to her, I feel that she is too "busy" to listen. I can see her 12 hour shifts as a manager at a coffee shop making her ill, mentally...physically then having to go home to a man who does not treat her like the princess she is and I did try...a little. I made sure that I made it very clear that I will always be there if she ever needs me, but I think she no longer needs me. I am a fading memory in her busy life.
I feel anger, a little. That she is missing out on the boy's life, the one she has played a big part in. She is called Auntie because after 14 years of friendship you are family, aren't you? 

I wish nothing but the best for her. I want her happy, healthy, loved and one day have her own children to a prince that is deserving of her love with true and strong friendships surrounding her, maybe even me again.

I seem to have a lot of "little" feelings about this situation, but my mind cannot fathom why these things happen. It is me not wanting to fully feel all the hurt, yet. I need to, and I will at some point, I know that. We grew apart and I need to accept that and move forward. In this small town she was my only true friend, now I am friendless. 

Alone is maybe something I have to be, for now. To grow, to learn and to truly cherish the time when I do have people in my life who care and treasure me as I do them.

Rachel Rose.x

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