Thursday, 18 June 2015

Day 30 - Contradiction

I have been writing for 30 me.....the non writer....has been writing for 30 days. 

I did not fail at the last hurdle, I kept going and really feel this is a small accomplishment for me. I am still not a writer, I know that. I write simply, and for all that I have a great sense of humour it seems to have been drifting out at sea for the last 30 days as I have been dealing with the more serious side of me. I'm getting ready to be more free in my self expression. I do want to write more, maybe even develop a style of writing that suits me. I know now that I should not force it, I should let myself let it flow out of me and not ponder too much about it, not force it.

I know that I do not often have a clever way of wording things, I find this in real life too. I have all my intelligence and knowledge stored up in my head and then have such a difficulty in expressing it verbally, I stumble over my speech, become anxious, lose all train of thought half way through a sentence. I want to be able to self express more "expressively"...does that even make sense? See what I mean? I know in my head what I want to say but I find it so hard to get it out in a cohesive manner. I truly believe that people must think I am stupid, or ditsy. I wish I could express what is going on in my head, with both my knowledge, ideas and also my feelings and emotions.

I read this in Elaine Aron's book recently about Highly Sensitive People (I am one of those....this book proves it). She states that those who are highly sensitive cannot perform under pressure, can often stutter and have problems with expression and expressive language...that's me. I often found in my previous job role (social work) that I could, with plenty of time and preparation, write a great report but then it came to the meeting which involved that report I would really struggle to express what I wrote. I would resort to simple language, stuttering, even anxiety would cause the words to blur if I looked at my report. It is something I am acutely aware of but have no control over. 

It is crazy that I now work in a speech and language therapy department when I have such issues with my own communication. In my life I have also been a selective mute and can still go in so deep with my emotions that simple verbal communication is impossible for me. I go days without talking, physically unable to.

I want to work on this more, and maybe my blog is a place to start. Going back to my first posts in this challenge I realise that I am letting go of my need to be grammatically correct all the time and to write what I know and what is in my heart at the time, I know this because when I start to type I just keep typing, this must be what is in my heart and it is just pouring out onto the page in front of me releasing what it needs to for that day and letting it go somehow. Sending it out into the universe to float out there instead of clogging up my body with stiffness, aches and pains. As I have said previously, writing is helping me to feel a little lighter. 

I hope to overcome this cycle I am in, not necessarily of depression, of seriousness, but of growing, changing and learning more and more about myself. To bring back my sense of humour, sarcasm and wit. It seems that is a part of me that did not shine over the last 30 days but it is in there, deep down under the dust settled from the mercury retrograde and cycles of the moon. It is time to brush away the dust and let it disperse to find some shine, some sparkle down there and to let it glimmer for others to see, maybe enough to find a partner in my life, something I yearn for.

 That could be what I hope for in 3 years (a prompt I have noticed in posts today)..I hope for a partner, someone to be part of this little family and to be my best friend...for life. I hope to be following my passions, exploring my purpose and be brave, really brave to pursue them regardless of where that is in the world and raising a happy resilient child who will grow into a gentleman, with an essence of old school chivalry the world seems to be missing right now. I want to be more sure of myself, more in touch with what is at the core of me and of what my soul desires. 

So here is a good contradiction for you.....I just wrote a few hundred words, communicated, self expressed about how bad I am at doing all those things!

Piss off self doubt.

Thanks to inspiration from a blog by Kirk Henlser I decided to take the 500 words per day for 30 days challenge.
The rules for the challenge were as follows (as written on the blog) –
“1) Write 500 words per day on any subject for any reason at any time for 30 CONSECUTIVE days.

(Failure to write 500 words per day for 30 straight days won’t cause you any bodily harm in the way of our bodyguards coming to your house and going after you with the belt strap but it will emotionally confirm your own fears of your inability to follow through on the simplest of tasks so my suggestion is to suck it up and even if you have to hit the “f” key 500 times and post that and call it a poem on the foundation for the word fuck then do that before you no-show).
2) Post your 500 words on Facebook and tag @kaleandcigarettes and #500wordsaday.
(This is the scary part, sharing your writing, because a lot of us, if not all, think that we actually quite suck at writing and that people will hate our guts for our thoughts but the reality here, and the whole value of this experiment, is working through that fear and realizing the only time we’re ever happy with our work is when we write from the heart). ((Pss – this takes practice. No shortcuts. Just the work)). -End scene-
Numero Tres) Maybe we’ll have a “group” on FB. I’m not sure yet the consequences of this action. Standby.
Long story short – this is really easy. And what will happen is the development of your writing craft and your ability to decipher the difference between bullshit writing and writing from the heart.” Kirk Hensler.
And I did it!

Rachel Rose.x