(On our walk last night. Dumfries, Scotland.)
Yesterday I could not write for some reason, I was blocked. A little disheartened maybe from lack of connection to other humans, having written my Day 22 post and put so much thought into it and I got absolutely no feedback, I had a day of "what's the point?" I am no good, I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends anymore...I have to accept that it is just me and the boy on our own up against the world, it's a harsh world. What a contradiction too...after the statement of letting go of the ego, sometimes us humans have a real struggle with our ego, it is always there niggling away at us, the voice over one shoulder saying no one liked your post today......you are rubbish, not worthy, you will never fit in. The vicious vindictive nasty negative thinking takes over and the doubts settle over you like a dark rain cloud that follows you round all day taunting and teasing. I wanted to write something that would open up discussion and help me to connect, in some cases re connect but maybe that door is well and truly closed for good. It seems that door slams in my face quite often in life, just because I am a little different, uniquely human but still....different.
I got the boy from school yesterday afternoon, got him changed and out of the house we had to go. I needed out, to escape for a while into the sunshine, playing blind to the dark cloud following above....It didn't rain though. The sun got brighter as did my thoughts. I made a conscious effort to look around me and be specific about picking out all the positive and try to dissipate the negative thinking, the blackness of it, the toxicness of it. I looked at the boy, who, for some reason, appreciates escaping just as much as me.
We went to a restaurant for dinner with an outdoor area, we sat at a beautiful spot near the water with the sun shining down upon us and the boy, well he just looked so handsome in his cap and sunglasses. He had been mid tantrum when I said lets get out in the sun and now, at the table outside, he had calmed down and sat happy in nature enjoying the sun and surroundings just as much as me, The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
We both enjoyed eating, I tried something new and loved it. I don't drink alcohol very often but tonight I decided to and I could just feel myself relaxing and slowing down, not being so harsh on myself. Ice cream....of course that made us both smile. After, as I drank slowly, the boy climbed on the climbing frame, ran round the grass and climbed on the walls...who needs toys or technology!?!
Then a walk, a really long slow walk, mind drifting, feeling the heat on my skin and a light breeze floating in and out, enjoying all the colours of the world. I was grounding again, it is just what I needed and it took for me to actually do that to realise it was that I really needed. I had a little human and a little nature to connect with and I am so grateful I have those two things. I live in a beautiful part of the world and when black clouds appear in my life I should step outside and seek connection to nature so that I can become more grounded and remember the beauty of this place.
When I got home and connected....to the interwebs, there was a quote about mercury going direct on this day and I had questioned this on my walk. Having forgot the date in my chaotic frantic mind of mine but as the day went on I felt different, like everything felt just a little lighter, I was carrying less on my shoulders and my thoughts slowed.
I seem to get stuck in the depths of negative thinking, especially about myself, is this the reason I am so alone in the world? But then how do I get out of it when I have no one in my life to receive the containment and reciprocity that I need? The care that I need? The understanding, and if not understanding just someone to be there for me?
I can see my own growth though, previously, in my 20's I would have continued the negative thinking to the point of punishment, I would have to punish myself for the things going on in my life, thinking back it was all so dramatic too. I took it too far with the punishment of self and would place all blame on me for the way things were or the way I was. I have my scars for that time in my life.
Now, in my 30's, I realise how important self care is and that I need to be gentle on myself. To take care of me when it is needed. I am who I am, and it is really hard work and so draining to try to fit in all the time, to be someone who I am not. I have acceptance. I have patience. I am a fragile human, just like us all, searching for a connection.
I leave in four weeks to spend the summer in another country with a family and as volunteers I hope that we meet other like minded people to spend time with. People who I can connect with and make some good memories with, and find perspective and grounding. It is what I need, for me, right now. I will have to step out of my comfort zone to hopefully find what I am looking for....because it is not knocking on my door, thats for sure.